Relationships often struggle when one of the partners is passive-aggressive. Trust me, I know. When I was first married, I used to struggle with being passive-aggressive and I know it was not easy for my husband to deal with. I’d like to say that now I’m perfect and never slip into my old pattern, however, too many of you are too bright to believe that. The truth is, although I’m much better in this area, I will likely always struggle with this if I’m not being deliberate and really on my game. After all, our edge is our edge—for life.
Chances are there are many of you who also struggle with this issue or have someone in your life that does. Read the behaviors below to see how being passive-aggressive can show up in relationships:
1. Sideswiping: When someone is passive-aggressive, they seldom say things directly when it comes to anger or upset. Instead they often throw out jabs, make biting comments or say random statements that show others they’re annoyed all the while they deny being annoyed.
2. Avoid conflict: Someone who is passive-aggressive does not like conflict. In fact, they are often afraid of conflict. They do not feel comfortable having a direct conversation about anger and will often try to avoid it at all cost—even if it means being dishonest.
3. Show their anger but don’t speak it. Often anger comes out sideways with passive-aggression. For example, when I was first married and was angry with my husband, I would give him a look, not speak to him or be snappy. When he would ask if I wanted to talk about it, my answer was often “No!” Although I’m not proud of this—I really have come a long way since those days… and I know it was annoying. With people who struggle with this, everyone around them feels the anger, yet no one is free to acknowledge it or discuss it.
4. Placating yes. Another common behavior is saying yes just to get someone off his or her back. I see this a lot with husbands who feel their wives are demanding. The men will often agree to do something just to quiet their wives down. Seldom does the thing get done on time or at all. This naturally leads to bigger conflict, however in the moment, that is not thought about.
5. Withholding. Because the person does not deal with conflict or upset directly, there is a lot of stuff pushed under the rug so to speak. The person who’s passive-aggressive therefore begins to feel resentful and withholds affection, connection or even help. They may do a chore halfway or cut down the wrong tree or respond in one-word answers to questions. In effect, if they are angry with someone, they make sure that person does not get what they want.
Many people struggle with being passive-aggressive. Often this behavior pattern is developed in childhood in response to family dynamics. It’s common for rage to have been present in the person’s family of origin, which made expressing their own anger near impossible or unsafe. Whatever the cause though, the fact is that passive-aggression is still aggression. It may leak out side ways yet it’s just as toxic as overt aggression.
If you struggle with passive-aggression, start looking at this issue more closely in your life. Avoiding direct conflict often creates more conflict. Leaking your negative energy out to the world is no more effective than raging. Learn to speak up in the moment and trust that you can handle disagreement or someone’s upset.
Challenge: Look over the list above and see if you exhibit any of these behaviors when you’re angry, upset or annoyed. Begin to pay attention to your indirectness and be diligent about being forthright and relational in times of upset. You will feel better as will those around you.