Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.
Mariann Williamson
Time and time again I hear people minimizing their accomplishments, down playing their successes or magnifying their faults in an effort to avoid the possibility that those around them will feel bad. I see this process especially with women. We tell ourselves that we shouldn’t brag, rub our successes in or make the other person feel bad by talking about the things going well for us. What we don’t realize is we can’t make other people feel anything. If someone feels jealous because of something I have, something I accomplished or one of my successes, that’s about them—it’s not about me. And—it’s not being a good friend.
The other day I had a most refreshing conversations with a friend. It was also an odd conversation, since the dynamic that happened happens so seldom with women. At the beginning of the conversation I was sharing about various stresses going on in my life and doing my fair share of whining. I then asked about how things were going with her and she proceeded to tell me all the wonderful things that were happening for her. She was talking about what a good place she was in, how her children were settling in well and how fortunate she was feeling in all aspects of her life. It was inspiring on many levels.
I felt very fortunate to have a friend who was willing to share what was really happening in her life rather than trying to co-commiserate in an effort to connect. Her courage to share the good felt like a gift; I knew she trusted that I could rejoice in her successes without needing her to wallow in mine. It was such an eye opening experience of what Mariann Williamson was talking about when she wrote:
“…And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
When others around us feel bad about themselves and/or their accomplishments in response to our successes and joys—it’s about them, not about us. When those around you are strong, grounded, healthy people, they will rejoice with you in your successes. You will not need to make yourself small so they feel okay, nor would they want you to.
We do not need to throw ourselves under the bus in order to protect the psyches of those around us. Instead, we need to step up and allow our own light to shine and perhaps be a beacon in the darkness for them. Playing small, minimizing our successes and/or throwing ourselves under the bus sounds like the following:
• Someone asks you about the new house you bought and you respond by saying that you did move into a new house, but it was only because you got such a great deal on it. You tell them that you never could’ve managed to buy without the deal.
• When a friend talks to you about how you own your own business and they can’t even find a job, you say, “Yes I own my own business, but it’s only because my parents passed it down to me. It’s not like I built my own business from scratch.”
• As you sit with your friends, who are all talking about how unhappy they are in their relationships, you stay silent. You don’t want to talk about how much you enjoy your relationship because that would make them feel even worse.
• You just got offered a great promotion and you try to downplay it to your partner because your partner’s facing a possible layoff. You don’t want your partner to feel bad.
There are endless ways that we play small so others don’t feel insecure around us. Every single way we play small is wrong. Playing small does not serve us or those around us. There is a difference between being arrogant and rubbing other people’s noses in our successes and simply sharing them with joy and excitement. It’s important to remember that “As we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.”
Regardless of whether you are a man, woman or child, stop playing small by minimizing your successes or being silent about your accomplishments. Be proud, excited and comfortable with your accomplishments. Your true friends will rejoice with you.
CHALLENGE: Are you playing small so others don’t feel bad? If so, stop it. Pay attention to all the ways you minimize your successes and downplay your accomplishments. Start with one friend and share your successes. If they respond with jealousy, talk with them about their reaction—and keep an eye on your reaction.