Have you ever been in a conversation with someone who constantly corrects you or argues their case? For example, you're talking to your partner about how hurt you were when he called you "needy" and he says, "I didn't call you needy, I said you can be needy sometimes." When you try to move past the point by saying that either way it didn't feel good, he won't let it go. He goes on to explain what truly happened: "I think it's an important distinction. I would never call you needy. I think if you realized what I REALLY said that you would see that you're getting upset is silly." (As I'm sure you readers are aware of–this would drive Gandhi crazy–in fact, it's driving me crazy just writing about it).
This "innocent" correcting is what Terry Real terms the losing strategy of "being right". Being right may sound harmless, but make no mistake, it's not. In fact, being right can be treacherous in a relationship. When a person is forever arguing the facts, they fail to listen to the message. Instead of being a loving partner, they become a trial attorney. Here's a real-life example of this at play:
Sarah: Honey, I really don't like the way you treat me. You talk down to me, you call me stupid, you tell me I don't know what I'm doing. I just don't feel like you respect me or like me.
Scott: When did I call you stupid? You tell me one time when I called you stupid? I may have said you were acting stupid but I never called you stupid.
Sarah: You may not have said it directly but you and I know that's what you meant.
Scott: But did I call you that? No. Let's be clear that I did not call you that.
Sarah: Okay Scott, you didn't explicitly call me stupid. I just get the sense that's how you see me. I feel you talk down to me.
Scott: We both agree I never called you stupid. See this is what you do. You make a big issue out of something that didn't even happen.
Yikes! Scott is so caught up in being right about the verbiage that he has totally lost site of her message. The ripple effect of people having to be right is their partners are always wrong. Eventually the partner stops trying to share their opinions, concerns or upsets; it's not worth the hassle. They know that if they do share this information, their partner's going to turn it around on them and keep doing what their doing anyway.
In the end, one partner grows more and more resentful while the other partner grows more and more right. Because there is little avenue for repair, the resentful partner is struck with the scary reality that this relationship is not going to change. They then have to figure out if it's worth it to stay knowing that almost every issue is going to be a win-lose battle (with them on the losing side almost every time). Staying, without change from their partner, will be a long, hard and near impossible road to travel.
If you struggle with the being right affliction, know that it is toxic in relationships. Stop acting like a lawyer arguing your case, and step in as an accountable partner listening to another person's story. If you constantly shoot down your partner's feedback, opinions or feelings, they will stop speaking. Do not however think their silence means acceptance; it often means resignation. They may be planning their escape.
CHALLENGE: If your partner is often telling you that you don't listen, it always has to be your way or they're always wrong…there's a good chance that you're losing strategy is about being right. Pay attention over the next several days to the ways you correct, explain or show your partner the real "truth". Next watch your partner's frustration level and how you also minimize that. Finally–STOP IT! Stop being right and start listening.