A while back I wrote a post titled “The Silent Exodus” which spoke about the dynamic of women emotionally leaving their relationships almost two years prior to actually walking out of them. In that post I talked about men’s failure to heed their wives’ warnings since many women do complain in the two years prior to leaving.
What I did not talk about, however, are the mixed messages women often give that make it easier for men to ignore their wives’ warnings.
Time and again women water down their messages. Regardless of whether women want to protect others’ feelings, avoid conflict or want to be liked, the end result is often a muddy, contradictory, confusing message. In our desire to be nice—we weaken our message and lessen the chances of getting what we want. Below are several examples of mixed messages given by women who were on the brink of leaving their marriage:
• Four months ago, Victoria told her husband she wasn’t attracted to him anymore, was angry about his poor treatment of her and the kids and if he didn’t stop his raging she was leaving. Since she had this conversation, there has been no change by her husband. He continues to rage and is often mean and contemptuous of her and the children. During the four months, Victoria has continued to go out socially with her husband, have sex with him three nights a week and has never mentioned her leaving again. Her husband has no idea she has spoken to a lawyer and is planning her exit. He thinks that since she’s being sexual with him and not yelling she’s happy with the relationship. She is sending mixed messages to him at best and believes that since she told him once, he should know she meant it.
• Karen told her husband Jack that she’s miserable. She’s tired of him always working, leaving her feeling like a single parent. She has asked him to cut back on his hours at work. This has been an on-going argument for the past 10 years. Typically, Karen asks Jack to cut back, he agrees and then is offered more work, which he accepts. One week after this latest conversation, Jack informed Karen that he was offered a new project that would require him to be working more hours. He wanted to check in with Karen to see what she thought he should do. Karen was upset he would even ask that question and believed he should’ve said no on his own. She told him to do what he wanted. He took the project on and Karen began to check out even further.
• Beatrice had been unhappy in her marriage for the past three years. She mentioned her unhappiness once, three years ago and never spoke about it again. Since that time she has tried to be the best wife she could be. She’s positive, affectionate, supportive and seldom complains. Her husband has long forgotten her complaint. He chalked it up to PMS and gave it little thought. He’s certain everything is fine and his wife is happily married.
• Paula has told her husband Phil that she doesn’t like his drinking. She especially hates it when he drinks and drives. Phil knows his wife doesn’t like it when he gets sloshed, however he’s pretty certain she doesn’t expect him to quit drinking—after all, she’s the one who buys the alcohol for the house. When they go to parties Paula asks to drive them home, but Phil demands that he drives. Paula gets in the car and hopes they get home safely.
Regardless of whether we’re talking about a drinking problem, a possible divorce or intimacy issues, the bottom line is too many women give too many mixed messages…and it’s killing their relationships. Women need to pay attention to what it is they want, speak cleanly (respectfully) and clearly about that, and then make sure their actions match their words. When we water down our message, we get watered down results.
As my mentor Terry Real says, “If you’re not happy, stop acting happy.”
If you think your partner has a drinking problem, don’t buy them drinks. Get to Al-anon and stop enabling the drinking. If you don’t want him to drink and drive—take a taxi home. If your partner is raging, mean and contemptuous—why in the world would you be having sex with him? If you want your husband to work fewer hours, don’t say okay when he asks you if he can take on another project. Tell him if he chooses to work more it will be harmful to your relationship and you will then have to make a decision on what your next move is. Sit with the discomfort of saying that and don’t water it down or try to calm his anxiety to your response.
If you want a great relationship you have to be willing to fight for it. Your words need to be clear and your actions need to match your words every day. Stop watering down your message in the hopes of not hurting someone’s feelings. In the long run, that only hurts people’s feelings more. As I like to say: Speak it clean and then back it up with action.
CHALLENGE: Pay attention to any and all the mixed messages you are sending to people in your life. If you were to leave no doubt as to your message what would you be doing differently? Commit to do it.