I noticed a tweet on Twitter this morning that said, “Hubby has the day off so he's home. So I can't play around like I normally do. I have to clean and cook and all of that crap. Ugh.” When I re-tweeted this with a “Why?” at the beginning of the retweet, this is the response I got back: “Guess I feel like I have to live up to the "housewife" name when he's at home ;).”
I’m sure this person is not alone in her thinking. I know many women who believe they have to take care of 90% of the housework in addition to being the primary parent for the children. Many of these same women also work full time jobs outside the home. Some do carry the bulk of the household load because they believe this is just what women do—that’s the way it is. Others believe that if they didn’t do it, no one else would. They may fear that their partner would become angry at any demands put on him. They also fear that asking for help would upset the family system.
The fact that these women carry the bulk of the load is not necessarily the problem. If a woman likes to be in charge of the household and children, then there’s no problem with her taking on that role. The problem arises however, when she takes all this on out of a sense of duty, obligation or fear. Taking on the bulk of the family and household responsibilities out of duty, obligation or fear is the quickest road to resentment, depression and miserable relationships. It is not a gift to your family—it is an anchor dragging you down.
We are no longer living in the 1950s, when women were pigeon-holed into a certain role. Women now have the freedom to choose. With that freedom however, comes the responsibility of taking full ownership of your actions and life. Having the freedom to choose your fate is one thing; finding the courage to act on that freedom is another. If you want to move from being a housewife to being a partner it requires the clarity of knowing what you want and the courage to act on that choice.
Being a partner versus housewife is not about how much work you do or don’t do in the home, it’s about how you make that decision. If your role in the home is determined by default rather than choice, the role takes you back several decades. If your role in the home is the result of choices you make, you take on this role as an equal partner empowered to choose.
NOTE: Regardless of what choice you make, discussing these choices rather than making a unilateral decision is another characteristic of being a partner. It is no more okay for women to unilaterally determine what will and will not happen than it is for men. When decisions impact others, they need to be made with those others as teammates, with each person having an equal say.
CHALLENGE: If you’re running around trying to be superwoman to everyone because you think that is what everyone expects of you—slow down. Take a moment to decide what you want for you. Once you have clarity, have the courage to stand up for your choices with a calm, powerful strength.