A common problem I hear with many of the couples I work with is distance. One or both partners report having grown apart, no longer having anything in common and losing that proverbial “spark”.
As we get more into the story, it’s evident that most of their interactions have become mundane. They wake up, get the kids ready, go to work, come home tired, eat dinner, put the kids to bed, settle down to TV. books or chores and then go to bed only to wake up and do the same thing all over again.
In between these little events is often criticism, critiques, whining, sighs and other more negative interactions. As couples, we tend to grow comfortable complaining about our days with one another. As the years pass, we forget that often, sparks don’t happen without a match. We hope, wish and even beg for the spark to happen, magically thinking that if it were meant to happen it would. Unfortunately, the more we wait, the more we complain, the greater the distance and the less frequent that spark becomes.
If you want to get that spark back, stop waiting for it to happen and instead, make it happen. Surprise your partner with a ticket to a play, dinner to a romantic restaurant, a trip to an adventurous getaway etc. Ask your partner to do something different. When your partner asks you to do something different—dare to say yes. If you like walks and your partner likes bikes—offer to go for a bike ride. Surprise your partner with a bubble bath and flower petals on the bed. Do something—anything different.
Be spontaneous and daring. We would never dream of saying no nearly as much when we are first starting a relationship as we do after we’ve been in one for many years. Being comfortable is one thing, being boring is another. If you want to get that spark back, be willing to strike the match.
We can easily get caught in a rut that can slowly suck the life out of our relationship if we’re not careful. Relationships take time and attention to stay on track. Stop wishing for the spark to happen and pay attention to the heat (or lack of). One spontaneous, romantic gesture can give a rusty relationship a huge boost. Take the chance to go out on a limb now and get the spark to light. Keep doing small, spontaneous acts for a prolonged period of time and see what happens.
CHALLENGE: Keep your eye on your relationship and don’t take it for granted. If you’re caught in a rut, get out of it. Think about three options you and your partner could do that might bring back the spark. Dare to do them.