Ah, the elusive relationship with in-laws…how do we manage those waters? Countless people struggle with their in-laws and are at a loss about what to do. Below are a few tips to help with this sometimes difficult, sometimes rewarding and sometimes exasperating journey. From the start, though, it will help if you remember that all they want is what’s best for their son/daughter and more than anything they hope that is you.
Where to start:
1. Leave your insecurity outside the door. Enter this relationship with confidence, not insecurity. From the start, see this relationship as potentially adding to your life, not judging your life (or you).
2. Have conversations with them—do not hide out in the back room. At family events, their house or in your home, interact WITH them. They just want to be included and liked the same as you do. Help them feel welcomed into your life and do your best to help them feel at ease whether or not they return the effort immediately.
3. Don’t bad mouth them to your spouse. Your spouse is free to talk about all the negative things that drive him/her crazy about his/her parents as much as they want; you, on the other hand, are not free to do the same. Complain about your own parents, don’t complain about your spouse’s.
4. “Join” the family; don’t put up with the family. Go to family events when possible and do so with a good spirit. You’d be surprised how quickly you can win over in-laws if you just fold into their ways, if only for a day or a visit.
5. Don’t take things personally…they’re seldom about you. People are who they are and they will be that person with anyone. Know what’s about you and what’s not about you. Learn to use your boundaries with in-laws especially and be careful not to interpret every little thing they do/say as an affront to you.
6. Don’t put your own family of origin ahead of your newly formed extended family or you’ll create in-law problems for your spouse with your own parents. Always put your spouse and children first—your mom and dad will understand that if they’re healthy.
7. Accept that we all have our ‘edges’ (imperfections)—no one’s perfect. Your in-laws are no different. Don’t make their imperfections bigger in your eyes than they are.
8. Send an occasional kind note, call or invitation to check in and say hello. Learn to include them in your lives every now and then, as well—especially if you have children. Give them the opportunity to have a relationship with their grandchildren for their sake and the children’s.
9. Show your appreciation whenever possible. Say thank you when they have you over, look them in the eye and tell them it’s good to see them, shake their hand or, even better, give them a hug.
10. Have hard conversations quickly. Don’t let issues fester. If something’s bothering you, then respectfully talk about it; don’t silently stew about it. If possible have your spouse address any difficult issues that you both would like to see change. You address the issues with your own parents as well.
Although getting acquainted with in-laws can be anxiety provoking at first, you’ll find that they’re often just as hesitant as you. Relax and leave your own insecurities out the door. Be your authentic self and learn to appreciate what they bring to the table. Hopefully, they will be part of your family for many years to come, so embrace them, don’t just tolerate them.
Challenge: Be the son or daughter-in-law you’d like to have and perhaps they will become the in-laws you’ve always hoped you would be blessed with.