My last blog entry talked about the importance of not bringing up past behaviors and learning to let it go. What if, however the behavior hasn’t stopped? What if that one behavior, yelling for example, happened two years ago, one year ago and continues to happen today? If the behavior is still going on today, then it is not past behavior – it is ongoing behavior that needs to be addressed. If you don’t want to address it, then stop talking about it. If you do want to address it, then do so effectively rather than just complaining.
In order to effectively address it, you will need to get clear on:
1. What it is you do not like about the behavior.
2. How you would like your partner to do it differently.
3. What you are going to do if and when your partner repeats it.
If for example, your partner frequently yells when s/he is angry, then rather than complaining, express why you don’t like it (i.e. it is disrespectful), be clear on what you would like your partner to do instead, (i.e. lower their voice, do not swear or call you names) and inform your partner what you are going to do if your partner does this in the future (i.e. You will ask them to lower their voice and if they don’t you will leave the room. When they are ready to talk to you without yelling you’d be willing to listen).
The limit needs to be something you can and will follow through with and you have to do it every time. If you hear yourself complaining – stop; it is ineffective and complaining is not setting a limit. Take a moment to decide what request you need to make and if necessary, what limit you need to set.
Challenge: Write these three steps somewhere you can see them. When you hear yourself complaining again and again about the same thing – stop – look at the steps, and then approach your partner and address it effectively. Good luck- and feel free to comment on how it works!