I have watched the dynamic of men bullying and women silencing play out again and again, over the years. The men have learned to master the “effective” use of anger, intimidation and fear and the women have learned that it is not worth taking on the man’s wrath…that is, until they can no longer take living in the intensity anymore. For some however, that is a looooong time.
When I first started working with couples I found this dynamic to be frustrating, appalling and down right unacceptable. Now I just find it unacceptable. I realized that men who bully do so, because…it works! More often than not, the men were taught bullying as an “effective” way to get what they want. If they don’t want to talk about something -slamming their fist down and saying, “This conversation is over DAMN IT!” is a much quicker conversation stopper than, “Honey, I’d rather not talk about it.” The angry response elicits the perfect amount of fear in their spouse – just enough to shut her up but not too much that she will leave.
You see, we do what we do because — it works. Women silence themselves because they know that if they speak, their partner will get bigger. They know that to truly put their foot down and take a stand against the bullying means they have to be willing to take on a tough fight; many are too tired, worn down or hopeless to take on this fight. Their silence is the best shot they have at calming the waters – it works. So, the men keep bullying and the women keep silencing…and the couples keep passing this toxic dynamic from one generation to the next…and the next…and the next.
The torch will continue to be passed until one person, one couple, is brave enough to take it on and to stop the legacy in its’ tracks. Men can not silence women – if women don’t allow themselves to be silenced; women can not enrage men – without men allowing themselves to be enraged. Children will struggle to have a healthy relationship when they get married – if they were never shown one at home.
Stop passing the torch on – it may be “effective” in the moment but, in the long run, it is like acid eating away at the very core of our relationships and our culture.
Challenge: If you are bullying commit to do something about it; get help, breath before you react, get clear that no one has the right to bully another person and take necessary steps to stop it.
If you are silencing, learn to speak up effectively. Pay attention to your gut; if something doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t. As soon as you are aware that something isn’t right, next pay attention to your thoughts (uncensored…what are you thinking?). Once you are clear on your thoughts – speak them in a calm, strong voice. Start doing this in non-threatening situations first and move out from there.