Over the years I’ve seen countless relationships entangled in the spider web of jealousy. Jealousy can hit men and women of all ages and is often highly destructive and very difficult to live with.
Jealousy can initially show up as the other person wanting to spend a lot of time with you. In the early stage of a relationship, it can seem very flattering for your partner to want to constantly be with you. Soon, however, wanting to spend time with you turns into not wanting you to spend time with anyone else or wanting to know where you are all the time. They may start calling/texting throughout the day to check up on you. If you don’t answer, they may become angry, text or call non-stop until they get you a response or they might go out and find you in person. At the extreme, a jealous partner may not want to let you out of their sight.
Because jealousy can start off as flattering, some women aren’t aware of how bad it is until things become extreme. The extremes of jealousy include control, intimidation, rage, abuse, threats and total lack of trust. Living with someone who is highly jealousy can often feel like living in a prison; your every move is being monitored and weighed.
In an attempt to not set the jealous partner off, many women will try to prove to their partners that they are trust worthy. They will try to spend as much time with their partners as possible, immediately return their texts/calls, start to reduce their time with friends and family and in essence put themselves in a prison to prove to their partner they can be trusted.
Jumping through the endless hoops of a jealous partner is the worst thing you can do…and it’s a terrible way to live your life.
The best way to handle jealousy is to nip it in the bud. As soon as you see jealousy peeking up it’s ugly head, address it head on. Inform your partner that it’s not okay for them to be constantly checking up on you. Let them know that your family and friends are an important part of your life and one part that you are not willing to give up. Set limits with them on what you are and are not willing to do and then follow those limits you set. Do not get into a bad habit of constantly responding to your partner’s insecurities if they are extreme. While it’s okay to reassure your partner in times of doubt, it’s not okay to have to convince them 24/7 that you are trustworthy. If you get yourself in that habit, it will be a very difficult one for both of you to break; don’t get into it.
There are often many red flags for jealousy—learn to recognize them and listen to your gut. Some red flags include:
• A past history of jealousy
• Bossy or controlling behavior
• Getting irrationally angry if you’re not where you said you’d be
• Being told by your partner how to dress, what to eat or how to act
• Your partner telling you who you can or cannot go out with
In general, learn to trust your instincts, if it feels as if your partner is being jealous and controlling, they probably are. Don’t put yourself in a straight jacket to try to calm your partner’s unhealthy anxiety. If your partner struggles with jealousy and you have not done anything that is untrustworthy, then it is his issue to fix…not yours. Your job is to be clear that you won’t live in a relationship where you are forever trying to prove yourself.
Challenge: Deal with jealousy early on in your relationship. If it’s going on now, set limits on it. Be clear about what you will and will not accept and then…don’t accept it.
(Note: If you have not been trustworthy…then that’s a different post).