“Avoiding conflict leads to more significant conflict over time, not less.” ~ Lisa Merlo-Booth
Many people believe that avoiding conflict is the best way to protect relationships. Over time though, avoidance harms relationships. When you avoid issues, they build up to overwhelming problems. Minor problems that once were no big deal, over time, become a tsunami of “insignificant” issues that turn into insurmountable problems.
Conflict and upset are all around you—they are common aspects of life. Pretending there is no struggle in a relationship handcuffs it, keeping it stagnant and unable to grow. If you refuse to discuss problems, there’s no way to solve, change, or repair them. Over time, what you thought was “saving” your relationship, is ultimately the very thing that initially weakens it and, with enough time, destroys it.
Having conflict in a relationship or on a team is not a problem. Managing discord is actually where significant growth and intimacy happen. When done well, conflict and upset are tremendous connectors. Working through strife teaches you what others want and need to trust in and feel close to you. Silencing, shutting down, or withdrawing in the face of upset, shuts down trust and keeps you distant from others. Avoiding conflict provides a false sense of security in relationships that is unfair to all involved.
Challenge: Pay attention to how many minor issues you ignore under the guise of “it’s no big deal.” Also, notice the more significant problems that you walk on eggshells around to avoid someone’s anger or to “keep the peace.” The more issues you avoid now, the more significant issues you will have to deal with later. Finding the courage to have difficult conversations whenever possible saves you tremendous struggle in the long run.