I think it’s a shame that people have such a difficult time talking about their beliefs pertaining to politics, abortion, religion and other “hot button” topics. It seems silly to me that grown adults have to ban tough issues from their conversations because they can’t manage to keep those conversations respectful. These conversations can be enlightening, educational and, yes, connecting…if we knew how to have them. The reason people struggle with talking about tough issues is because what they are doing is not really talking – it’s arguing. They argue the issues, try to convince the other person to think like they think and go to extreme measures to be heard. All of these moves, however, are distancing and make any true conversation near impossible.
A recent political example of going to extremes happened to me earlier today when I stepped out of my car and walked past a table with a poster of President Obama bearing the word “Impeach” at the bottom of the poster. My first thought was, “Wow that’s a little extreme.” The woman behind the table waved and asked me to come over. I politely declined and went in to get lunch. As I was driving away, I noticed the picture of President Obama on the poster now had an Adolf Hitler mustache in addition to the word “Impeach.” When I saw this, I felt a lot of anger that this person was trying to imply that President Obama was like Hitler. Really? Isn’t that a bit dishonoring of all the Jews who lost their lives as a result of Hitler’s atrocities? To equate how our President is running our country to the way Hitler purposefully killed countless Jews is so extreme and over the top that it is offensive. This extreme message led me to think of all the things that go awry with people when it comes to sharing our thoughts and beliefs on things we feel strongly about.
As a result of people getting intense, making extreme statements and getting heated, many people have flagged “hot” topics as off limits. This is a shame. Instead of side-stepping a difficult issue, people will benefit from learning how to actually discuss these issues. Below are several tips for talking about the more interesting things in life: religion, politics, abortion, philosophy, etc.
1. Be a curious learner: Listen to learn rather than listening to argue. Get curious about what the other side thinks. Trust that you are two bright people with equally interesting ideas and beliefs. Why do Jews believe Jesus wasn’t the son of God? Why do Catholics believe the opposite? Stop trying to convince and simply get curious. Just because you listen doesn’t mean you agree—it means you hear all points of view.
2. Avoid the extremes: Avoid extreme statements (i.e. “You’re going to hell if you don’t change your beliefs”) and stay grounded. When you resort to extreme statements, emotions or volume, you weaken your message and increase the chances of the other person tuning you out or responding in the extremes themselves. Stay moderate!
3. Share, don’t convince: You’d be surprised at how much more open people are when you simply have a conversation without trying to convince them to jump to your way of thinking. I have changed my thinking many times when the other person simply shared their beliefs with me .
4. Leave self-righteousness out of the conversation: Do not come into a conversation with the attitude that you know better and the other person simply needs your enlightenment. You can believe in your ideas while also having humility. State your beliefs, why you believe this way and how that thinking helps you, and then listen to the other person’s beliefs. Just because you think differently doesn’t mean they have nothing intelligent or useful for you to hear.
5. Agree to disagree: Remember that having discussions about politics or religion are truly multifaceted issues. Agree to disagree on the big issues and be open to agreement on certain pieces. For example, if you’re on opposite sides about abortion, there may still be agreement that it is not okay to be killing doctors who provide them. Be open.
Discussing “hot” topics can be a lot of fun and enlightening when you have two people who can actually have a respectful conversation. Don’t declare big issues off limits because you can’t keep yourself calm enough to discuss them. Get calm, grounded and effective. The world would love to hear your message…just make sure it doesn’t get lost in your delivery.
Challenge: Watch the way you discuss difficult topics. Pay attention to the key points above and see if you can honor them in your next conversation. Stand behind your beliefs without squashing the beliefs of those around you.