“People make mistakes, forget, and cause hurt—even with the best intentions. Don’t confuse mistakes with character or intent.” ~Lisa Merlo-Booth
Danny comes home from work excited to surprise his wife with take-out from their favorite restaurant. However, instead of greeting Danny with a hug and a thank you, Danny’s wife, Paige, angrily states, “You never think of me—it’s always all about you. Did you stop to think that maybe I already had dinner plans? You know I make dinner for us all the time! Is this your way of saying you don’t like my cooking, or did you only think about what you wanted?”
Danny is confused, and understandably, a little angry himself. What just happened?
- Could Danny call to say he would pick up take-out—before picking it up? Yes.
- Because he didn’t call, does that mean he is inherently selfish? No.
Scenarios like the one above happen all the time in marriage. And, as you can imagine, these incidents take a toll. The incident above would have gone great if Paige assumed the best intentions rather than the worst. Why does bringing home take-out have to be a selfish act versus a fun treat? If Danny and Paige were newly dating, there’s a good chance they each would have thanked the other for their kind actions and sat down to dig in to eat.
When couples get locked into defensive postures with one another, living together becomes tough. Assuming hostile intentions from your spouse makes life more difficult for both of you. Believing they did something you don’t like because they don’t care, are selfish, want to make you mad, or some other negative assumption only intensifies the impact of the action. Why would you like to feel even worse?
Give yourself and your partner the gift of grace. Human beings are imperfect and make mistakes all the time. Some missteps are because you’re not thinking, some because you didn’t know better, and some because you weren’t on top of your game. Don’t make a minor fumble into a character issue. Deal with the fumble and leave intentions and character out of the equation. If you must assign meaning to an action, err on the side of assuming a positive one.
Challenge: Work hard to assume the best of intentions from your partner—even when they screw up. If you can’t push yourself to embrace the positive, don’t assume anything and address the behavior at hand. Practice this skill with everyone you meet and notice how life changes for you and your relationships.