Seldom is going through a divorce a painless process. Ending the life you know and venturing out on your own can be painful, scary and full of angst. It can also, however, be an opportunity to grow, explore and find your own self again. Healing from divorce will be a much easier journey if you practice the tips below:
1. Let go of the blame. It doesn’t matter if your partner had an affair with your best friend or you were a crazy person in your marriage—beating up either your ex or yourself is a losing strategy every time. Do not bad-mouth your ex-spouse to anyone—especially your children. Take the high road. If your ex was toxic, simply be glad you’re no longer with him/her rather than trying to convince the world of your spouse’s evils.
2. Forgive. Forgiveness is necessary for anyone to move on. It’s not about forgetting what happened, nor is it about being kind to the person who hurt you. Forgiveness is for you. Holding grudges and resentment is toxic to your mind, your body and your life. Learn to let the anger and outrage go so you can move on—it’s the greatest gift you can give yourself. Too many people stay angry for years about a broken marriage and they end up giving their ex far too much power over their life and happiness. Don’t do it!
3. Take time to be by yourself. Learn to enjoy life on your own terms for a while. Do not jump into another relationship to prove you “still have it” or to avoid being alone. Instead, learn to discover what brings you joy again. Figure out who you are, what you want and focus on loving life without having someone else there as a crutch. Once you’re happy being alone—then you’re ready to be in a relationship.
4. Connect with friends. Often relationships can pull people away from friends. Use this time to reconnect. If your friends are far away or you don’t have many, then form new friendships with people who will bring out the best in you. Don’t hang out with people who will bash your ex with you or get you drunk to drown your sorrows. Instead, find those who will help you rise. This is a new beginning—take advantage of the opportunity.
5. Take an honest inventory. Take the time to grieve and to do an honest assessment of what happened. What red flags did you ignore? What things did you not say or what things did you complain about, but not take action on? Where were you relationally off? What lessons do you need to take with you going forward? Look at your piece in the downfall of the marriage while also acknowledging your ex’s piece. However, do this with compassion, understanding, accountability and a desire to learn from these mistakes—not from a desire to punish or pass off responsibility.
6. Move on. After you have grieved all that you have lost, begin to take steps to create your new life. Start actively taking steps to create a great life. Don’t look back at all the hardships or complain about the struggles—look forward at the opportunities. Many people absolutely thrive after a divorce. Others never allow themselves to recover or let go of the bitterness or actually live during the rest of their lives. Decide you will be one who thrives—all it takes is a decision and a plan. Decide to thrive and then map out your steps. If you have children, help them to do the same. You CAN do this.
Divorce does not have to be a death sentence for your happiness. You make the choice about how you live your life and whether you allow your thinking about your ex to drag you down or not. Don’t give your ex that power. Learn from the experience, move forward with strength and courage and take the highroad throughout this journey of healing. Do not sabotage your future by hooking up with countless men/women, drowning your sorrows at the bar or becoming a bitter, negative person. Rise from the struggle and relish finding your true self again.
Challenge: If you’re going through a divorce, first and foremost—let go of the bitterness. Bitterness will kill your future every time. Let it go! Next, practice the tips above, staying focused on letting go of the old while creating the new. And if you start dating, do so wisely, not desperately. Here’s a resource for you when and if that time comes: https://www.consumeraffairs.com/dating_services/# Hang in there and best of luck!