Time and again I watch couples struggle to move on from past hurts. Sometimes, the difficulty is due to a lack of remorse, accountability and repair by the partner who caused the hurt (a topic for a different post). Other times, however, the person has been remorseful and has done their best to repair the damage they caused, yet the issue continues to be a problem within the couple. These couples often struggle because the wounded party has a hard time forgiving their partner and letting the issue go.
Not letting an issue go can look like:
• Continually bringing the issue up time and again—even after many discussions over weeks, months and even years.
• Repeatedly reminding the person of the pain they caused.
• Asking the person, time and again, how they could have done what they did.
• Telling the person many times how disappointed they are in them and how they are not the person they thought they were.
• Getting into conversations about the issue ad-nauseum and having those conversations last for hours.
• Punishing the person for their behavior by shutting them out for years, and justifying that because of the pain they caused.
• Repeatedly berating the person for their actions, blowing up, raging or emotionally attacking the person.
• Seldom, if ever, taking in the person’s attempts at repair or recognizing the changes they’ve made.
Major hurts in intimate relationships can cut people to the core like few other things can. The pain of an affair, emotional abuse, years of rage, ongoing lack of any emotional engagement, lack of integrity, etc. can all be remarkably painful and toxic to relationships. Any one of these offenses can certainly throw anyone into a tailspin and lead them to question their relationship.
The problem, however, is not in the questioning. The problem is in the not letting go. It’s absolutely ok–and in fact healthy—to question whether or not you want to stay with someone who has caused you major pain. However, once you’ve decided that you want to stay, part of that decision is the willingness to allow the other person to repair the damage they caused. If you can’t do that, then staying should not be an option.
If the hurt was so big that you can’t let it go, then own that. There is no shame in saying there is too much water under the bridge and you just can’t move past it. If that’s the case, move on and allow your partner to move on, too. Separate, divorce, go your separate ways.
If you choose to stay, however, then once the person has steadily shown they’re remorseful, accountable for what they did and has changed their behavior in order to restore trust, it is your job to take in their repair moves. It is your job to then let the issue go. Learn from it, acknowledge the pain of it and proceed with caution, not resentment, anger or punishment.
Challenge: Allow your partner to repair the hurt s/he caused or take the space you need in order to decide if you can stay in this relationship without anger and resentment. You do not get to berate this person for all of eternity—no matter how big the hurt. Let in their amends or move on.