I’m struck by the controversy over Roman Polanski’s alleged rape of a 13-year-old girl.
• Whoopi Goldberg isn’t sure what to call it, but she’s clear that "I know it wasn't rape-rape. I think it was something else, but I don't believe it was rape-rape."
• More than 100 people, including Martin Scorsese and Woody Allen, have signed a petition objecting to the arrest of Roman Polanski.
• Debra Winger demanded Polanski's release and criticized Swiss authorities for their "philistine collusion" in arresting Polanski as he entered the country for a festival. "This fledgling festival has been unfairly exploited, and whenever this happens the whole art world suffers," Winger said in a statement on Monday, standing together with the other four international jury members, who wore red badges reading "Free Polanski" as they announced plans to continue the fest. (Kate Harding, The Fugitive)
It seems that some people are confused about what constitutes rape. Roman Polanski allegedly lured a 13-year-old girl to a home under the pretense of his taking photographs of her for Vogue magazine. He then allegedly fed her champagne and Quaaludes and then raped and sodomized her. He pleaded guilty to having sex with a minor, allegedly because the girl’s mother asked to make this deal in order to spare her daughter a painful trial. Roman Polanski was 43 years old at the time; the girl was THIRTEEN. If you’re unclear about what is and is not rape, let me help you get clear:
• If you have sex with someone without their consent…it is rape. Those below the “legal age of consent,” are, by law, too young to be able to give their consent. Thirteen is well below the legal age of consent. Giving consent also means as adults they do not—at any point—say no, stop it, I don’t want to or anything close to this.
• If you give someone drugs or alcohol to “loosen them up” so they will be sexual and you have sex with them against their protests…that is rape.
• If you give a 13-year-old drugs and alcohol and then have sex with her…it is rape. If you’re 30 years older than her and you do this…you’re a pedophile and a rapist.
• If you believe the woman really wants sex, but she’s playing hard to get and you force her to have it anyway…that’s rape. Even if you think she enjoyed it (which, by the way, is a crazy, twisted lie you’re telling yourself so you don’t have to deal with the fact that you’re a rapist).
• If you force your wife to have sex because you believe that’s her job as your wife…that’s rape.
• If you slip someone the date rape drug so she doesn’t remember you raping her…that is rape.
• If you take someone out on a date and pay for her meal and then force her to have sex with you because you think she owes you…that is rape.
• If you are fooling around with someone consensually and she decides she does not want to go any further, but you force her to…that is rape.
Any questions? The last thing we need to be doing is signing a petition to get a rapist freed. If this happened to your daughter, would you want the world to have empathy for the rapist? That’s absolutely twisted. We need to be clear that rape is a violent, life-changing act that often scars victims forever. Rape is rape. It doesn’t matter who the perpetrator is, why they raped or what trauma they experienced. What matters is that they have traumatized another human being. Rationalizing this brutal act will only create more confusion for our children around what is rape versus what is consensual, vigorous sex.
If the adults are not clear, our children certainly will not be. When a woman says no, it is no. It’s not her being a prude, confused, indecisive or any other crazy dismissive explanation. Men and women alike need to know that sex is never meant to be forced. When it is forced—it’s rape; this is true regardless of how you spin it.
Men and women alike need to stop protecting abusers and start standing up for their victims. Rapists look like normal people. They have good paying jobs, can be quite charming if they want to be, influential and even make people laugh. So could Ted Bundy. Ted Bundy was a brutal serial killer who charmed his victims.
Don’t be deceived by a person’s looks, money or job. Forcing someone to have sex is rape regardless of whether it’s committed by a top movie producer, a top surgeon, a friend or even the president of the United States. Teach your children this. Tell your sons that no is no—even when they’re certain she really means yes. Tell your daughters to say no loud and clear and to bite, kick, scream or punch if they need to in order to get their message across. Sex is an intimate act, not a coerced, forced or violent one. Teach your children the difference.
CHALLENGE: Pay attention to how you and those around you speak about sex. If your male friends make comments like “she wants it” or “that’s what women are good for” or any other degrading comments about women and sex—SPEAK UP. We need more men sending healthy messages to other men and to their sons. Listen to how your children are talking about it and step in to correct dangerous messages.