The worst move you can make in response to someone not showing up in your relationship is to chase him/her. Chasing, nine times out of ten, leads to the other person running further away. It’s a losing game of cat and mouse almost every time. The more you go after the person by begging, pleading, crying, screaming, shaming, silencing etc. in an effort to get that person to SHOW UP, the more that person will refuse to show up. You can chase till you’re haggard, tired and ready to fall to pieces and it still won’t get the other person to join you for more than a momentary blip.
If you’re a chaser, you likely already know this. You’ve likely chased so often and been left bereft so much that you totally get that chasing doesn’t work. And yet, you continue to do it. Why? Why in the world do people keep chasing others for love and attention? Chasing is often about a deeper issue of not feeling loved or lovable. You look to others to fill you up. The problem though is often you meet those who are too wounded themselves to be able to meet you. If you do meet someone who is healthy enough, chances are your wound will leave you feeling that no matter what they do, it’s never enough. They’re not kind enough, responsive enough or emotive enough you think. No matter how much they pay attention, you still don’t feel to your core that they truly love you enough.
Stop the chase. Don’t ever look to others to fill you up—they will never be able to do that and nor should they have to. Fill yourself up first. Love yourself first. Know that of course you are lovable. Their love or lack of love can never shake this truth. Healthy love is reciprocal. It should not feel like pulling teeth. If you honestly believe the person in your life doesn’t show up for you, care for you or treat you well, then why the hell are you chasing him/her? Stop chasing.
You may be surprised to find that sometimes when you actually stop chasing, the other person finds the room to come forth. Create the space for them to come forward. If they do come towards you, then meet them—don’t smother them. If they don’t show up, then steadily stay the course. If they still don’t come forth, then love you enough to not settle. Move on to someone who is able to meet you—in a healthy way.
Relationships are a two-way street—be sure you’re making room for both of you. Don’t chase, plead, beg or chastise your partner for not showing up in the relationship in the way you want them too. Change your moves instead. Your power is within you, not over them. Focus where you have power and work there. Decide what you need to do on your side and stop telling him/her what s/he needs to do on theirs.
Challenge: Don’t chase. Invite, request, set limits, stay, go or accept—don’t chase. Raise the bar in your life and expect that if someone is truly into you, s/he will join you without the chase. Be willing to walk away if not.
Nancy Schroll says
October 8, 2017 at 12:47 pmI wish I heard your advice years ago. I dated a man that treated me like a queen. After two weeks we married. His whole personality change staring , lusting at ladies each day, telling me to shut up or get out. I cried each day, feeling sorry for myself, he took my monthly pension to move, give good tips to pretty ladies, anything to spend my money to get attention. I begged for him to change,
I even told our pastor about his odd behavior and he already knew it, saw him in action with the ladies in church especially one he single out The pastor wouldn’t counsel him didn’t know how with that sort of problem. . At 65 I continue allowing myself to cook, clean and care for his needs thinking he would look at me the way he looked at the ladies.
I did research and found out he is Bi Polar with compulsive behavior on ladies. Since his MD did nothing to help him, I made a appt with a psychologist and I was right. He is on meds for mood swings but he refuses to back off of Blondes and young ladies. He has been ask to leave restaurants, churches, concerts because of his on going problem.
I no longer go out in public with him to be put down, I live my own life, I refuse to be a cook and dishwasher for some man that don’t respect me and love me . With the advice of my counselor I have not allowed myself to chase him anymore.