One of the most freeing things in life is the ability to not take things so personally. It is also one of the most difficult things to do. People get reactive all the time to things that have nothing or very little to do with them. People also give meaning to something that was said that simply isn’t there. Below are several examples of what I mean:
• Sam’s boss told him to be certain his project report was free of mistakes. Sam’s internal response to that statement was to get angry and think, “Why the hell did she tell me that? Does she think I’m stupid?”
• Sarah’s husband said he wanted to make sure they did something special for their son’s birthday. Sarah found that comment to be insulting and thought to herself, “What kind of mother does he think I am?!”
• When Karen had to cancel her plans with her friend because she was sick, her friend questioned her honesty, asking if she was really sick or just didn’t feel like going out. Karen was offended that her friend would even think that. What the hell! Does her friend think she’s a liar?
In all these examples the people are taking something personally that is not personal at all. Too often we forget that the people in our lives come with their own experiences, traumas and histories. We also forget that these histories impact how they interpret things, what they fear and how they respond to people in their lives. This is true for us as well.
Going through the above scenarios for example, each one has a background story impacting the interaction.
• In Sam’s case, his boss’s request had nothing to do with Sam. Sam has always handed in excellent reports, as his boss would agree. His boss, however, is new to her position. She is a Type A personality and struggles with micro-managing people. Her reminders are more to help reduce her own anxiety than they are to help her employees do a better job. What Sam doesn’t know is that his boss is aware of this part of her and is trying to work on it.
• In Sarah’s case, it’s important to note that her husband never said she didn’t make the son’s birthday a special occasion. He simply stated he wanted this birthday to be special. He made this statement because this year, like every other birthday, reminds him of all the birthday celebrations he never had when he was a kid. He swore his kids would always know their birthday was a big deal. His statement had nothing to do with his wife and everything to do with his history.
• Finally, Karen was offended that her friend would ever question Karen’s honesty. What Karen doesn’t know is that her friend, Kara, was lied to on several occasions when she was younger only to later find out her “friends” were laughing at their lies behind her back. Her question came from a vulnerable place in Kara and had little to do with Karen’s trustworthiness.
It is very easy to take things too personally when truly they have little to do with us. In order to be able to stay grounded in response to someone else’s triggers, upsets, requests, comments and criticisms, we have to be able to filter them accurately. Don’t assume that the request of another person is because of something you did or didn’t do. Ask them if they’re upset with you or if they’re just asking in general…and then take them at their word. If you know you didn’t do anything the other person seems to be accusing you of and/or they say it’s not about you…then know it’s not about you and simply reassure them that they have nothing to fear.
The better able you are to take responsibility for your part in things when warranted and let go of responsibility when it’s not about you…the easier your relationships will be. Use a filter and don’t assume things are always about you.
Challenge: Pay attention to all the times you get offended, angry, hurt or defensive in response to the requests and upsets of others. The next time you have one of these reactions slow down and FILTER the message. Don’t assume it’s about you without checking it out.
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