Do you ever find yourself excusing others for their poor behaviors? Have you heard yourself say things like:
• That’s just who he is. He’s really quite harmless, even though he says hurtful things.
• She’s just reactive. The kids and I know to not get into it with her or it will get too ugly.
• He has a hard time handling sadness. I’ve learned to just go to my friends for support. You know men.
• My boss is a jerk, but at least it’s a paycheck.
When you slow things down, you might be surprised to hear all the behaviors you excuse, tiptoe around or have just come to accept. The funny thing is that all the excuses are not necessarily wrong. After all, if your mother is “reactive” (code for blows up), then staying clear of her anger will likely make things much calmer. And the guy in your life who often says hurtful things, yet is “harmless,” probably is just being himself. Regarding men and sadness, sure, the truth is that a lot of men avoid sadness—theirs or the sadness of others—like the plague. The excuses, therefore, may not be all that off. The behaviors, however, are very off.
Just because the explanations you give for the poor behaviors of others may have a grain of truth to them, does not mean that those behaviors are okay,
• Hurtful comments—are anything but “harmless.”
• Blowing up, being reactive or often getting intense, creates an emotionally unsafe environment for spouses and children.
• Not being able to be sad with the men in your life blocks intimacy and shuts down your emotions because the man has shut down his.
• Getting a paycheck from a boss who is a jerk, takes a tremendous toll on a person’s psyche, confidence and life satisfaction.
You deserve to have a great life. In order to have a great life, you have to stop justifying for the poor behaviors of those around—or for your own, for that matter. Why people do what they do, does not excuse what they do. When an entire family is tiptoeing around an angry mother or father, that is a terrible lesson to teach children. It is also a terrible environment for everyone concerned. It doesn’t matter if that parent learned that behavior from his or her own parent(s), became a bully in order to survive grade school, or is angry because s/he is depressed. The why, does not make the behavior okay. You can have compassion for why they’re doing something, as long as you also hold the person accountable for what they’re actually doing. Compassion and accountability are not mutually exclusive.
Creating a great life requires that you set limits with compassion and strength. You can have an understanding heart while also loving yourself enough to stand up for yourself. Stop getting caught in the whys. Why people do what they do, does not excuse what they do. Don’t confuse the two.
Challenge: Notice all the excuses you give to poor behaviors. When you give these excuses, notice how you feel when you are on the receiving side of those poor behaviors you’re excusing. Are your excuses serving you or simply giving the other person permission to treat others any way they want?
Lisa says
April 27, 2019 at 12:24 pmDear Lisa: My fiancé has exhibited bullying behavior over the last several months. A couple of those episodes led him to acknowledge he had a drinking problem, so he’s quit drinking & started AA. He also got a sponsor. Kudos to him for sure. However, in sobriety the bullying didn’t stop. So here we are. If I get the least bit annoyed or unhappy with him, sometimes justified, some times maybe I’ve acted unreasonable, he repays me by striking back 10 times, meaner, more aggressively, louder etc. name calling, stomping, slamming doors, etc. when I call him out on it, sometimes he acknowledges it. Sometimes it will take days and me having to retreat to long weekends away or at a friends for him to reflect, and feel like he’s loosing me. He will often say “I’m trying” “I’m working these things out with a sponsor” but I’m increasingly despondent and upset each time. We tried couples counseling, whom I let him choose and he dropped out refusing to go. So I still go. When I’m happy, not sick, (I have CFS) and he gets his way, life on his terms, we are happy, compatable, best friends, great lovers. But boy any amount of stress, me being unhappy with him, or arguments and there he goes, 0 to 60.
I’m writing this alone, at the beach, in a hotel, healing from kidney stones. He was, in my opinion, very absent from supporting me this week, and when I told him so, so he threatened to move out. When I moved his c-pap to the guest room, he slammed doors, broke pictures, woke me up by turning on a bright light in the bedroom, following me threw the house not letting the argument end.
I love him, and don’t necessarily want to break up. But. I don’t know what to do. I’ve been married twice and was single for 11 years. On purpose. To heal & grow as a person. And alas I find myself here…
Lisa Merlo-Booth says
April 30, 2019 at 3:20 pmDear Lisa,
As you likely know, marriage only increases what is already present in the dating relationship. I strongly recommend that you put the marriage on hold until he does serious work on his anger issues. Find a good couples counselor who is willing to be honest with him about his behavior. You need a professional who is not afraid to hold him accountable for his behaviors. Look for a therapist who has been trained by Terry Real–you can go to Terry’s website to find a list and see if there is one in your area (TerryReal.com). If there is not one, I work with couples from all over via zoom. You, however, are the most important piece here. If you love him and love yourself, don’t settle for this behavior. You waited 11 years to get healthy– dont let those 11 years be for nothing. Standing up for yourself is a key lesson you have to learn. You can be loving and strong at the same time. Be clear that you love your fiance very much however, you are not willing to live in a marriage where you are afraid of your partner. Find an excellent couples counselor that you pick (not him) and do the work. If he refuses to do couples, then let him know he has to do individual therapy with someone who specializes in working with anger and that you will want to go in to the initial session. If he refuses to do that as well, walk away and don’t look back.
Your home should feel like the safest place in your life not the scariest. Don’t settle.
Take Care-Lisa
Susan Hanus says
April 30, 2019 at 4:11 pmRun, and don’t look back. – Susan
Margret Mulkey says
April 17, 2019 at 11:33 amIs this also true for a husband who is emotionally unavailable? No hugs, no verbal intimacy, no affection. I understand this comes from the way he was raised. His love language is acts of service and he is very good at that. Do I excuse the rest? I feel my needs are not being met, and I excuse him because I think he can’t change. Is this right?
Lisa Merlo-Booth says
April 20, 2019 at 6:59 pmDear Margret,
Yes, it’s true for a husband who is emotionally unavailable. If it is a problem for you and it is impacting your marriage and feelings for him, then it’s important that you compassionately hold him accountable for working on this. There are many men who are being asked to emotionally show up more in their marriages–and they’re doing it. If a behavior is not okay for you, then love yourself enough to have an honest conversation with your partner about what you need. Give them love and support while they’re working on this change–and don’t lower the bar.
Warm Regards,
Lisa