In times of stress and overwhelm, I have an enormously difficult time being truly present…and my family feels it. I often believe I’m hiding my distracted mind by nodding my head at the appropriate time, saying yes/uh huh in a timely way or looking the speaker in the eye at just the right moment. The only person I’m fooling, however, is me.
I’m betting that many of you know exactly what I’m talking about. You’ve either done what I’m talking about or have been on the receiving end of someone zoning out on you. Either way, it’s not a good position to be in. Because we are only human, there are going to be times when we are not present. The occasional zone-out is not a problem. The frequent zone-out, however, is. In the spirit of helping couples and families, I’m posting a list of tips to help you be truly present for your loved ones.
I know that in my family, if I’m stressed and constantly thinking about all the things I have to do, my children begin to distance from me. If I don’t regroup—and quickly—it can take what seems like an eternity to get back into my children’s good graces. This is not okay for my children or me. My distracted mind sends them the message that they’re not important. The ripple effect of receiving this message over time is: self esteem issues, anger towards me, resentment towards my work and a rift in our relationship.
Although I’m using myself as an example, I see this happen in families everywhere. Men are traveling several days a month, women are working longer hours in their careers and children are starving for more attention. Couples are fighting exhaustion, stress, hectic family schedules and impossible demands. Consequently, people are struggling with being present everywhere. As a result relationships are taking a hit.
Men and women alike are complaining they are no longer in love with their partner. A key contributing factor, I believe, to this lack of intimacy, is the prolonged effects of people not being present. The more we tune out, the more our love drops off. If you want your relationship with your children, partner and friends to be a strong one—BE PRESENT. Here are quick tips to keep you zoned IN:
1. Check in with your loved ones daily: ask about their day and listen, with interest, to their answers. Look them in the eye while they’re talking and add thoughtful comments, not mindless responses.
2. Several nights a week have a 10-20 minute conversation with your partner about your days. Make sure the kids are in bed, the TV is either on mute or off and neither of you is on the computer while you’re talking. Share your day with your partner even if you think they’re not interested. If you’re not interested in your partner’s day then—GET INTERESTED.
3. Be aware of any significant events of that day, such as sports events, school events, difficult tests, struggles with friends, etc. Ask your child about the event as a way of showing you were thinking about them. These conversations can be less than five minutes, but the message you send by asking lasts forever. This is true for your partner as well. Ask about important meetings, health issues, etc.
4. Write your partner and children small notes periodically to wish them luck, tell them you care or apologize for your lack of presence. A quick note can go a long way toward keeping connections strong.
5. Snuggle, hug and give kisses…show affection. Amid work, family schedules, errands, sickness and stress, couples and families can become aloof and cold. This isn’t a purposeful cold-shoulder, it’s a natural distance that comes from not paying attention. PAY ATTENTION. It only takes a moment to give a child or spouse a hug, kiss or high five. Make it a habit to hug and kiss your partner hello and good-bye. Take the time to do great big family hugs—you can even include the family dog. When you’re watching TV, sit on the same couch and hold hands. When watching a movie together watch it technology free (no cell phones, computers or texting—just be present and watch the movie).
Many of us believe that being present takes too much time. We think there’s no way to do all the things we need to do and still be relational. The reality is we usually can’t do it all. We can, however, do enough. Stop saying no to your family and start setting more limits at work. As the saying goes, “I’ve never heard anyone on their death bed wish they had spent more time at work.” Being present doesn’t take nearly as much time as we think it does. It can take only five minutes—just make sure those five minutes are saturated with your undivided attention.
CHALLENGE: Pay attention. Commit to choosing two out of the five suggestions into your interactions with your family this week. Continue to incorporate them regardless of the reactions you get in return. Sometimes you’ve created more distance than you realized so it will take more than a week to get back in your family’s good graces. Notice the difference in yourself when you’re truly present versus going through the motions. Good Luck!