I can’t tell you how many women talk about being trapped in their jobs, marriages, friendships and…lives. Far too many women feel powerless to change their current situations and end up sacrificing their souls and losing themselves as a result of staying stuck. These women often take a victim position to their miserable situations, saying things like:
• “There’s nothing I can do, so I might as well just accept things as they are.”
• “I’m stuck—what am I going to do with two kids and no job?”
• “I have to keep my job, especially with this economy, even if my boss is a jerk. I don’t have any choice.”
• “My father always puts me down and calls me names, that’s just who he is. He’s in his seventies, so I’m not going to say something now.”
These are just a sampling of the many things women say when they feel stuck. Regardless of the wording they use, though, the sentiment is always the same: “I’m miserable and I can’t do anything about it.” Too many women give up even thinking about trying to change their situations and instead try to learn to live with them. If they have children, they don’t want to rock the boat too much or they fear they will tip it over and end up in divorce. If they need the income, they don’t want to do or say anything that may remotely result in their boss being upset. If they stay at home, running the household and caring for the children, they don’t even want to think about standing up for themselves in any real way that might upset the status quo of their marriage.
In essence, women often see themselves as stuck because they are paralyzed by the notion that the devil they know is better than the devil they don’t know. The moment they begin to think about trying to change things, they get scared, imagine the worst case-scenario and take a victim position (“There’s nothing I can do”) to their circumstances. What they don’t realize is that taking a victim position is, in fact, the very thing that keeps them trapped. The moment we tell ourselves, “We can’t,” we seal our fate.
The truth is, we almost always have choices. Even a stay at home mom with two children has choices. She can start by moving away from being so financially dependent on her husband for survival by looking into creative work options. She could try to get a job she could do at home—even if it’s stuffing envelopes. Any extra money she can put away in a savings account will help get her unstuck. There are probably about ten different options, none of them easy and many of them possible, but she would first have to stop thinking that she is trapped.
The problem seldom is whether or not there are options. More often than not, the problem is a woman’s unwillingness to do whatever is necessary to give herself and her children the life they deserve. Until women are willing to do whatever it takes, they will continue to accept whatever they feel they must accept to be “safe.” Just know, however, that this “safety” almost always comes with a price. Also know that playing it “safe” isn’t always safe. Accepting the unacceptable often sets up more bad treatment, not less. Until you’re ready to know that you are worth fighting for, not rocking the boat may cost you more than you bargained for. Be careful about how you are teaching others to treat you—they may just follow your lessons.
Challenge: Look at the lessons you’re teaching others about how to treat you. Are you sure these are the lessons you want to teach? Are these the lessons you want to pass down to your children? If not, start taking baby steps to creating change. Start with at least naming the unacceptable.