There are few things more frustrating than the silent treatment. There are also few things more damaging to relationships. Many people believe that refusing to speak is better than saying something they’ll later regret. This couldn’t be further from the truth. Refusing to speak to someone is emotionally abusive and removes all possibility of solution.
When it comes to the silent treatment, there is nothing colder than the cold shoulder. Tuning someone out is like telling them they’re too insignificant to warrant your time or attention. It’s toxic and it’s off.
For those people who are being ignored, here are some tips on how to handle the silent treatment:
1. Speak about the silence directly and do NOT return silence with silence. Calmly tell your partner that you’re aware they are angry and you’d be happy to talk about it should they choose to. Let them know you can’t change anything if you don’t know what it is that’s bothering them.
2. After you speak to them, go about your life and do not try to get them to speak. They are adults and responsible for speaking up if they want something. Do not get caught up in the game. Realize their silence is not about you. Don’t allow it to get you down or lead to you feeling guilty. Also, do not lose your temper in response. Stay centered and calm!
3. Know that you did not cause your partner to be silent, so don’t take responsibility for their behavior. Even if you were in the wrong, your partner is still responsible for talking about it.
4. If the silent treatment goes on for a crazy amount of time (a day or more) or is a frequent problem, then inform your partner that their silence is harming your relationship. Calmly state that you are not willing to chase them down to talk and that if they continue to ignore you, you will be taking some time to consider your next step in this relationship.
5. Next, quietly figure out your next move. One person for example, told her husband that since he was refusing to speak to her, she was going away for the weekend to her family and if he didn’t speak to her upon her return, she would think of a more permanent move. Upon her return, he was all talk. Other options include: moving out of the bedroom, getting into couples therapy, getting into individual therapy or even separating.
The silent treatment is toxic to relationships and the only way to deal with it is to address it head on, in a calm, centered manner. Be clear about its impact, be willing to set limits and be willing to ramp up the limits if the silence continues. Do not chase down the person; go about your day.
CHALLENGE: If someone in your life gives you the silent treatment, first be clear that it’s not okay. Next, if you did something wrong, apologize and offer to talk about it if they’d like—then let it go. Do not chase them down. If it continues, decide your next step and follow through.
Lisa Merlo-Booth says
April 16, 2014 at 5:44 pmDear Stella,
Your husband is acting abusively. the last thing you want to do is apologize for HIS abuse. Instead, stop enabling his abusive behavior and tell him he needs to get help for his anger. You could also seek help to help you get strong enough to set limits. His anger is about him not about you. Don’t take the blame for something that is not your blame to take. His silent treatment is emotionally abusive and is another thing you don’t want to accept. This is getting to be too much for you because it should be! This IS too much. Start loving yourself enough to stand up for yourself.
Warm Regards,
Lisa
Stella says
April 10, 2014 at 9:02 pmHi there,
My husband is giving me the silent treatment now for the past 5 days. It kills me but I don’t show it to him. He stopped talking to me completely and doesn’t answer even if I ask if he wants food. We’ve been having a bit of arguments in the past week..about 2 mild ( I mean not heated ones arguments per day). That’s enough to piss him off and give me the silent treatment. Usually whenever he’s angry he’ll scream and break things around him ( I usually go out of the room then and allow him to cool down) …but now he is doing it more often …like even for the slightest disagreement he screams,yells and breaks things. I’m usually a resolver and try to resolve but he doesn’t want to talk problems out at all. I usually apologize to him if he breaks things, that way he’ll stop breaking and cool down. He’s getting to be more than I can handle….please suggest what to do with his temper.
Lisa Merlo-Booth says
February 17, 2014 at 11:48 amDear Julius,
Why are you hoping for this man to come back into your life? He treats you terribly, lies to you, makes false promises, leaves you without any explanation and cheats on you. What are you thinking? This man has done nothing but bring you done. It’s your turn now to build yourself back up–for your sake and the sake of your child. Don’t model for your child how to accept poor treatment. Model instead how to stand up for yourself, have self-respect and how to love yourself enough to not settle for anything like this again. VIew this relationship as a learning experience and move on. If you need help to do that then get into counseling. Give yourself that gift.
Take Care-Lisa
julius kaufilwa says
February 12, 2014 at 11:26 amMy husband and I have been separated for 1 year and eight months now. We have been unhappy for a month before he moved out without telling me. We did not argue at all, I just traveled for my masters registration and upon return, he was gone. He left a note that he had moved out (without mentioning the reason or where he was going to live) and that he will always love me, no matter what happens.
He impregnated another girl three months later–at the same time he left me pregnant. He then moved in a new flat with that women until today. For the last 8 months he used to call, visit and give support while claiming the other woman will leave for us to get back together. That never happened until today. He has a passive aggressive personality, and for the last three months he has been giving me the full silent treatment. We sometimes chat on whatsapp,with him promising to take me to lunch or buying the baby clothes, but come the next day- he will not pitch, nor communicate. He wont be open for discussions, once I start talking about me and him, he will immediately shut the conversation down and lie that he has to go somewhere or he will come back tomorow for us to talk. I discussed the divorce with him but he refused by saying he wants to work things out. My question is, how can he work out the situation if he is unwilling to talk to me and find solutions??
I am worried. What does his silence mean??
sparkly michelle says
September 24, 2013 at 7:10 pmwhat if a partner is choosing 2 days a week silence for self preservation and time to recharge with no anger towards the other? is that okay?
Rob says
August 25, 2013 at 4:46 pmWhat about situations where one will give the silent treatment because she is hurt over a misunderstanding and won’t communicate for fear of argument. We are in a Long Distance Relationship, and had a miscommunication over loving one for a reason or without reason. She was hurt because I gave reasons I loved her, and wasn’t saying I loved her without reason (which, on reflection, I do love her without reason).
Since last Thursday night (her Friday morning), she’s avoided calls, and won’t reply to my emails, FB messages or instant messenger.
I do try to make it safe to speak with me, but sometimes she’s fixated on the problem to the extent anything I say is white noise.
Now, she’s hurt and avoiding me all weekend. We’re engaged, but this scares the crap out of me. Not only do I not want to lose her, but I want to foster a healthy environment for each of us to speak to each other.
We are different cultures, and English is her second language, so I don’t now how much a factor that is.
I’ve learned a lot about communication from my first (failed) marriage, and don’t want to screw this up. I’ve told her that I acknowledge her hurt, and I’m sorry for my part in it, but the silence is hurting us.
What else can I do?
Lisa Merlo-Booth says
March 13, 2013 at 4:52 pmDear Geni,
His lack of communication for ten days is emotionally abusive. Inform him that you don’t mind giving him a little time to think, however days of silence is not okay with you. If he continues to do this kind of behavior I would ask to do couples work with him. If he refuses, seek professional help yourself to explore your options.
Take Care-Lisa
Geni says
March 10, 2013 at 6:41 pmThe man I am involved with seems to use silence as control or punishment and I find it hard to deal with as I am a resolver. Is it best to understand the different style and work from there?
Also currently he was very mean and I know my blame and always take my part but when he is super mad he won’t, not when he is stressed. He wrote me an email (we don’t live together) that he can’t see or hear me right now and that was 10 days ago and I have stayed silent to allow him to calm down. I thought I could break this pattern and wait him out and am unsure of my next move because if I ask him to call and he isn’t ready it would be worse. Obviously he is unable to communicate well.
Are many men this way?!
Rose says
February 20, 2013 at 11:02 pmI like the article, but if we don’t live together? He stopped talking to me 4 days ago after an arguement.
Lisa Merlo-Booth says
January 29, 2013 at 7:04 pmDear Lavender Blu: Way to go! I’m very happy for both of you.
Enjoy your future conversations and nice job speaking up.
Take Care,
Lisa
Lavender Blu says
January 29, 2013 at 3:54 pmThank you, thank you, thank you! This article is an answered prayer. Literally within hours of following the advice given here, my husband agreed to start talking again after days of silent treatment. The conversation that followed was free of argument for the first time in years. I feel a new hope for our marriage, and look forward to reading and learning so much more from your blog. God bless!
glen jacquart says
December 7, 2012 at 11:42 pmMy adult children have given
me the silent treatment for
almost 10 years. I continue to tell them that I love them unconditionally. Their mother is
very controlling but they will
not admit this. I am getting
worn out emotionally. I was the
stay at home parent and had
a very special relationship. I have
run out of ideas.
Lisa Merlo-Booth says
September 10, 2012 at 11:23 amDear Constantino: I have two suggestions:
1. Stop telling your wife that you both have no time to spend together because that is one of the sacrifices of parenting. That decision is what destroys marriages. Make the time and get someone to watch the children.
2. Be clear with your wife that her silence is not okay. Her silence is emotionally abusive. Begin to set limits around it every time she does it. If she doesn’t change it, then get into professional treatment.If she refuses to see a professional WITH you, then go by yourself so they can help you to set effective limits on this behavior. Remember that her silent treatment is very poor role modeling for the children as well.
Take Care-Lisa
Constantino says
September 8, 2012 at 4:39 pmWe are married for 10 years, we have two beautiful kids, we are very well off… only problem we have is that we don’t get enough time for each other because of our responsibilities at work or to our kids. She always complains about that and I try to explain to her that there are some things we can’t avoid and we have to realize that family and kids need personal sacrifices, even at the expense to our romance. That’s parenting after all… giving up so many things for the kids. Still…she does not seem to realize that.. She has been giving me the silent treatment since the 2nd year of our marriage. It always hurts me so much. At first it was for a week…then 2, then a month…there was a time she didn’t speak to me for 5 months!! What is the reason I put up with this behavior?? because all the rest of the time we are fine…we are SUPER fine!! We have ZERO problems! Every thing starts in a second, in an unpredictable moment! Cant stand this any more, but I love her.. and I love my family. I tried to tell her to ask for help for this.. because it is a serious problem of not being able to talk to your husband whom you admit you love, for 5 whole months! It only made things worst, because she is accusing me that I make her look crazy!
I am desperate here..really frustrated. Any ideas?
Diana says
June 18, 2012 at 8:00 amI am a nurse and we have voluntary over-staffing when our census is low, I signed up for it and today they called and I got the day off, my partner is now mad and not speaking to me, he feels I should have went to work. All my bills are paid, we have seperate accounts as we are not married, he thinks that karma will come back to bite me and that I will lose my job. I have never been fired, been working there for 7 years, great evals, train new nurses, and so on…so it is unbased. Now he is not speaking to me. I can’t talk to him and when I can he gets louder and over talks me. Now it is the total silent treatment. I have initiated a few open ended comments to see if he really wasn’t talking to me. How do I deal with this? I am not sorry I took a day off, I get paid, and I am tired. Am I wrong?
Sandra says
May 21, 2012 at 1:48 pmMy family abandoned me for cultural reasons of disagreement. I am financially broke and my visa is about to expire soon. During this period of crisis, my ex-boyfriend, who had initially insisted we should be friends, also left me. He sent me a text message saying he gets upset to see me even if our meetings our calm (in the past we had had fights after the break-up), and bid me goodbye. He sent me this text the day I was traveling for a long journey abroad. When I reached my destination, I was an utter mess, and in that state sent him an email voicing my hurt and anger, and how shattered I am by the abrupt way things ended between us when he already knew that I was seeking help for abandonment issues. I wished he would have talked to me instead of texted me two sentences. I did not use any abusive language, but I was accusatory. Now when he sees me in school, he gives me the silent treatment in front of everyone – as if I don’t exist. You can imagine how abandoned I feel again from a loved one. To make up for the email I had sent to him, I recently sent him a short email sincerely apologizing for it and taking the responsibilty of my actions (after two months of receiving the silent treatment). However he still gives me the silent treatment, and it breaks my heart because I will be leaving the University soon and heading back home for an uncertain future. I am very depressed, and it hurts me when he ignores me every time. I feel as if an important chapter of my life has come to the worst ending ever : silence.
Dear Sandra: I’m so sorry to hear about both your family and your boyfriend. With your boyfriend I would stop chasing him. Hold your head high when around him, don’t look to have any conversation, a smile or any level of communication with him. Simply go about your day and take care of yourself. Know that a grown person cannot abandon another adult. Your boyfriend did not abandon you–he broke up with you. If he’s choosing to not speak to you or acknowledge you–that is about him not you. That is an immature move and you deserve better. Know that, breathe and center yourself. You are worthy. You have value. You deserve to be treated well.
Hang in there!
Lisa
JB says
December 30, 2011 at 11:50 amHi, Does this advice apply to friendships also. I had a friend who cheated on her husband, I found out about it, I commented on what she was risking (3 grade school aged children)-and I got the instant cold shoulder. I keep reaching out every so often-but nothing. On a few occassions when I asked for us to talk-she responded with-“I can’t right now”. I heard recently that she and her husband had separated-I sent her a note telling her I’m here if she needs anything- she said “Really just need to be left alone right now” Is it a lost cause?
armando says
December 7, 2011 at 9:17 amHi, silent for me, when I use it is introspective. Not abusive to my partner. I am not as fast thinking as my partner, and as my feelings are hurt or misguided I need time to recenter my self as to not make incorrect decisions while emotional. Please reconsider the other side.
Dear Armando: Taking time to think is not the silent treatment. The silent treatment is when you ignore someone, refuse to speak to them or walk away angry and punish the other person by refusing to speak to them. Taking time to think has no punishment in it.
Hope this helps.
Lisa