Behaviors you do:
1. You often walk on eggshells around this person. When you live with a tyrant, you’re often taking their emotional temperature—looking for signs of upset or like they’re going to snap. While monitoring them, you’re also monitoring your behavior making sure you don’t do anything to ‘set them off”.
2. You frequently give into this person’s demands. You become very skilled at just going along to get along. Regardless of what you want, you often go with what they want—it’s simply not worth the fight.
3. You often silence your voice. If they’re upset about something, you’re more likely to listen and say very little—even if you disagree or they’ll totally wrong in their accusations. You’ve found that the best way to keep their anger short and controlled is to let it pass with very little push back.
4. You make excuses for this person’s behavior (I.e.: S/he had a hard day, s/he doesn’t mean to say those things). Whether they snap at the kids or at you, often you hear yourself saying things like, “Your father didn’t mean that” or “He’s a good man. He just had a hard upbringing.”
5. You only talk about things that you think this person would want to talk about. The tyrant seldom is a really good listener and more often than not seems annoyed by your talking. You have steadily shared less with the tyrant and more with friends and family. There’s no mutuality or joy in speaking with someone who isn’t interested in what you have to say.
Behaviors the tyrant does:
1. Frequently speaks harshly to others. They can bark orders at others, bitch about some happening at work or talk down to those around them (I.e.: “What are you a slob?” “Don’t you know how to do anything.” Etc.).
2. Blows up quickly and intimidates those around (although does not become physically violent). They can be calm one minute and then blow up the next yelling and screaming about what to you appears to be a minor issue. The witnesses to these blow-ups are anxiously watching while they feel their hearts beating out of their chests. When the tyrant is told they are scary—the tyrant dismisses the fear saying, “I’ve never hit you or the children—that’s ridiculous you’re afraid. You’re just saying that.”
3. Snaps at the children and you for behaviors s/he doesn’t like. A great deal of the tyrants interactions with children are around snapping orders, harsh discipline, calling them names or shaming them in some way. Tyrants frequently break a child’s spirit and sense of self worth.
4. Rarely apologizes or even acknowledges their behavior. Tyrants often lack remorse or even awareness of their behaviors. There is no need to apologize because they seldom feel they do anything wrong. If anyone does dare to call tyrants out on their actions, more often than not, they become highly defensive.
5. Blames their anger and upset on others for “making them mad”. Tyrants often feel justified in their behaviors. If the children are afraid of them, the tyrant believes children should be afraid of parents. If a family member is upset at the tyrant’s behavior, the tyrant will turn the blame around on the person and say they got angry because of something that person did. If people would stop “making” the tyrant mad, then the Tyrant believes s/he wouldn’t have to yell.
If you’re living with a tyrant then you know how incredibly difficult that can be. They bully those around them constantly and have little to no remorse about doing it. Tyrants can be grumpy, mean, selfish, scary and entitled all at the same time. Many people living with a tyrant end up shrinking in order to keep the peace and avoid the tyrant’s wrath. Consequently, they end up losing themselves, being unhappy in their lives and feeling stuck and hopeless about change.
Don’t lose yourself. There are steps you can take to get out from under the misery of living with a tyrant.
Challenge: Stay tuned next week to learn some of the steps you can take when living with a tyrant…or sign up for my Grounded Powerful Strength teleclass (starts Tuesday Sept. 8) for a more detailed understanding of how to get back yourself and control of your life.
I have lived like this for 33 years, I have punished myself both physically and emotionally. I am afraid and tired of constant put-downs in front of others leaving me wanting to punish myself for not being good enough. I am broken and want out so bad, but was informed I would be left on the streets. I am told everyone thinks I am worthless and a waste of time and life. I am forced like a whore to perform sexual acts even after refusing I need peace and I need to love myself
Dear Patricia,
You are absolutely worthy. Your husband’s abuse has NOTHING to do with you; it is 100% about him. He will do this with anyone he is with. Get yourself into individual therapy. Find yourself a job, open up an individual bank account, and start saving. Work on empowering yourself and work on your self-esteem. Don’t ever allow anyone to make you doubt yourself or feel unworthy or make you do things you don’t want to do. You have more power and control over your life than you think. Get connected with old friends and family who are supportive and will build you up rather than tear you down.
Warm Regards,
Lisa
I’ve been in the same situation but I chucked him out after 9 year’s as I had enough of him. He was/is an alcoholic and in and out of prison all the time. It came to a head when my Dad was dying of cancer and he decided to have an affair with one of my friends who I had known for over 30 years. I had also found out that it had been going on for a while so, in the end, I knew I deserved better than that so I threw him out. He moved in with my so-called friend. She thought it was going to a happily ever after and it never was as. He isn’t with her anymore and apparently is with another woman since he could never keep it in his pants. He’s tried contacting me indirectly but failed massively as none of my family or friends want to know him so ignore his messages. I now have a decent man who I’ve been with for 3 year’s and am madly in love and very happy now so there’s a light at the end of the tunnel …know your self-worth ladies ☺
I’ve lived with my narcissistic tyrant boyfriend for 6 long years. I am stuck..no getting out unless I go to a homeless shelter or women’s shelter. And when I do that, he will call CPS on me, lie and attempt to get my children, (one is his, the other from a previous relationship), taken from me. Not even because he wants custody…he has no interest in custody. He just wants to hurt and punish me at all costs. He intimidates by yelling and standing over me, is sometimes physically abusive, definitely emotionally abusive and if I don’t give him sex, he will take it in any way he wants. I hate my life. I hate who I’ve become. I’m depressed to the point that I have zero motivation to do anything..I lose whole days, going through the motions to take care of my son. I don’t leave my house for data, weeks, months at a time. I am mentally exhausted. I didn’t think this could ever happen to me. How did this happen?
Dear Toni,
It happens slowly over time. It becomes a slow, methodical loss of self. I know it seems impossible, however you can create a better life for yourself. You have to rebuild brick by brick. Get help from Women’s Protective Services. Here is their hotline–it is free 1−800−799−7233. Call from a friend’s phone if you have to, and CALL. You deserve to be safe and treated well, as does your son. Living with someone who is abusive is toxic and has long-lasting effects. Each day do one small thing to set yourself up to be able to leave. Get out of the house, reconnect with supportive family members and friends, call the hotline number. You are absolutely worthy of being treated well; don’t settle for less than that. Call the hotline today. They will guide you through this the entire way. Call them.
Sending you courageous thoughts and energy.
You CAN do this!
Warmly,
Lisa
I’m a man who lives with my wife who has property and privilege from her legacy. When we married she insisted we live in her willed from her father home. She does nothing, demands complete obedience in all things from my son and I while her son is too good to do the dishes. We cut hours of grass pay all the bills and buy and cook all the food while she demands money so she can travel. She has used all of my insurance getting all sorts of minor procedures and used all the eye insurance buying new glasses while I need a pair just to read and can’t leave work to get them.
She is angry and threatens to throw us out all the time while she flirts with her ex husband and has put me thousands of dollars in debt. I just spent 8 hours grilling for her friends party and 400 of my money with no offer or helping and I’m laying here now dreading the next beratement from this evil monster. How do you leave when she is keeping us too poor to get away. Im in hell.
With any luck I’ll pass away soon and my son’s part of my insurance will let him escape but she’ll never let him have my personal property I’ve willed to him.
Matt,
As long as you see yourself as a powerless victim you will be trapped in an unhappy marriage and miserable life. You are not a victim. You have choices. You deserve better than what you’re living however, you will have to decide if you’re willing to love yourself and your son enough to make hard changes. Do whatever you can to save money–get an extra job if you have to or stash money away. Stop over-doing for her and her friends and then hating her for it. Stop giving her money and paying all the bills. There are so many things you can do that you’re not doing. You have choices. Ask to get into couples therapy and go on strike until she agrees and helps more.
Take some time to sit by yourself and make a list of all of your options. Choose one option on the list and follow through with it. She does not control your actions, you do. Make sure you’re acting in a way that is in your long-term best interest and stop telling yourself that you’re trapped by “this evil monster”. That type of thinking is taking your power away and keeping you miserable.
You are not stuck. The question is are you willing to see that and take actions to better your life? I hope you decide to take action and better your life, however, if you don’t remember that this decision is also a choice.
Take Care,
Lisa
Sadly, my husband is a tyrant and a narcissist….he uses abusive words on me at all times and expects me to keep quiet…when I refuse to be trampled on he gets infuriated. The worst part is,he says he isn’t obliged to love me or take care of our daughter. It’s like he’s doing us a favour. He also plays the victim. Recently, he called one of his relatives to report me and unfortunately for him, she witnessed one of the bullying episodes. She corrected him, stating that I am neither his slave nor his child and that I am his wife with feelings too. He immediately pounced on her telling her not to interfere with his family matter (meanwhile, he was the one who had called her). As a result, he has refused to let me go out, not to talk of making my hair which is very untidy now. I am really getting frustrated.
My husband is my bully. My marriage of 30+ years has left me drained and hopeless. His antics are constant and endless and I have no affection for him. Then he wants sex! LOL I crave sex, dream about it, just not with him. I see him as a complaining child, not a man. I’m a nurse, a caregiver-type person who was drawn to him at a young age. A lamb to the slaughter. I don’t know myself any longer and have no hope for our future together. He doesn’t even mind if I talk about separating, as he doesn’t want to change his behavior to heal our relationship. I lack strength now because I’m so beat down. Just treading water…so sad.
Dear Kelli,
I’m sorry to hear that your husband is a bully. If you are feeling beaten down, seek help to build yourself back up. Everyone deserves to be treated well and to be in a loving relationship. Staying in a bullying situation will harm you in the long term even more than it already has. No one and nothing is worth losing yourself over. And, only you are capable of getting yourself to a healhtier place. I hope you find the courage to do so.
Practice extreme self-care as you walk through this journey.
Warm Regards,
Lisa
I lived with a vile dangerous bully for 30+ years. Things got worse over time and after last year I can feel no affection or respect for her. Just stuck in a house with an angry swearing person until I can figure things out. Spent my whole life making excuses for her evil behavior and realized too late that spoiled narcissistic bullies don’t ever change.
I live with a tyrant step father. He does all those things and my mom doesn’t stand up for herself and if pisses me off. I want to explode and I feel trapped.
I had feeling you were talking about my father … he is very tyrant and narcistic person who thinks that he is the best father and husband but in reality he is the worst one but who will dare to say this … I am 26 , still live with parents because I dont want to leave my 2 little brothers .. and still afraid to do and say anything agaisnt my father because I know what will happen after . He is controling all my life , what i wear , where i work , even my salary and I have no idea what to do , how to defeat my fear and say straight what I think and what I want .. 🙁 Its like I have a FatherPhobia and cant do anything to it . He never beat me but sometimes I think Its even better to abuse me physically then psychologically ..
I live with a full fletched German Tyrant. He hates himself having no hobbies other than solitaire on his cellphone hours upon hours at a time, loathes his job, is a penny puncher thats proud of his income thinking we should be saving hundreds monthly. He has no idea how good we have it compared to most Americans today. He is a spoiled man living in his mind like it was in Germany 25 years ago jealous over every vacation others go on what car they are driving or house they live in. Its been hell now that he is in his mid 50″s balding from back of his head while often juggling his numbnuts :trying to feel like a real man sneaking pornography whenever he has time alone thinking I don’t know
Dear Numbnuts Wife,
Why do you stay? When you have this much for contempt for your partner you have to ask yourself why you’re staying and if that reason is enough to continue living in misery. Either get into couples work or leave, but life’s too short to be so unhappy.
You deserve better.
Lisa
My life is governed by my wifes need to feel in control. I hate that she’ll bully and lie to get her way.
Although if asked she’ll tell you she’s the nicest person on the planet, and she can be if your not related and do as told.
She cannot be argued with at all by anyone.
Your article has given me some thoughts to process.
Thank You.
Dear S.d.B.
Have an honest conversation with your wife and don’t walk on eggshells around her. Too many people allow others who are controlling to control them because they don’t want the fight. You don’t need to rage, yell or fight to not allow her to control you. Be clear about how it’s impacting your marriage and what you are going to do if she doesn’t stop the control.
Good Luck!
Lisa
This is my life with my husband. I need help. I thought it was all in my head till I read this. X
My life too
I had a hard time realizing that I was with a bully but anytime I would want to talk about how o felt in the relationship or what I was feeling they would tell me that I could never move forward just complained and ruminated. I did have the same complaints because things were never discussed or resolved. I always bought into that this was how it should be. That I shouldn’t dwell. The last two weeks of our relationship which broke up recently she was sick. We didn’t live together anymore. Lucky I was only living with her because my condo was under renovations for a year and then could move back to my own place. I had asked her if she needed anything while she was sick had flu or virus. Even went to her house and vacuumed and cleaned cat litter but two weeks later I got screamed at because I never volunteered to stay over there and care for her. When I tried to explain my position that I was worried about getting a virus I was selfish in my needs. When I stood up for myself and kept my boundary that I was not staying in a “sick” house I got a screw you and you have f’in nerve . That was it. I have gone no contact and fear hearing from her but I can’t wait to finally have all this past me.
I’m with a bully. He will drink wine and once I’ve had a glass he makes out that I have a problem. He doesn’t like me wearing makeup or anyone I talk to. He gets really jealous of other men and he purposefully annoys me doing things he knows I don’t like (e.g. like grinding his teeth). He spat at me when I got upset and then acts like he’s sorry. He manhandles my dog and he whipped her with a belt. He says I have too much to say and gets really nasty.
Dear Clare,
Why are you staying with someone who treats you like this? Get whatever help you need to find the strength to leave if he refuses to change. Get into therapy with a good therapist for yourself of for both of you. You always have options–remember that. You deserve to be treated well by all people, at all times. It is your job to surround yourself with people who do so. Don’t let others ever make you doubt yourself or your worth. Get help and work to get the life you deserve.
All the best,
Lisa
Am I able to join th GPS course? Thanks. Anne
So sorry for the delayed response. Yes you can join the course. You will have to listen to the first two calls on recording and then the remainders live.
Thanks,
Lisa
P.S.: In the future contact me via e-mail so I don’t miss your note: lisamerlobooth@gmail.com