An interesting thing happens with countless women when it comes to asking for what they want. Far too often they get stuck in the pattern of asking for what they think they’ll get rather than asking for what they truly want. As you can imagine, this is creating a lot of struggles for far too many women.
Here are a few examples of what I mean:
• Susie says she would like to have a raise, but is certain her boss would say no. She decides to wait until he brings the topic up and hopes he notices her hard work.
• Karen doesn’t want to sleep with the guy she’s dating until they have an agreement that each of them is exclusive. She is highly doubtful that he would agree to that though, so she decides to stay quite, sleep with him and hope for the best.
• Janice wants to ask her 75-year-old father to stop calling her names when he gets angry. She’s certain he’ll get angry at the request and won’t stop the name calling, so she decides to learn how to accept his anger.
When women want something, we often filter our desire through the lens of whether or not we think we can or will get what we want. If we think the other person would never give us what we really want to ask for, then we often change our request to something we think we have a better chance of getting.
In dating relationships, for example, a woman will often tell me she does not want to sleep with a guy she’s dating unless they’re exclusive. If, however, she thinks this may be a deal breaker for him, she will force herself to live with his seeing other people. She may then use sex as a way to keep him rather than as a natural flow to a relationship that becomes more serious and exclusive. Time and again I listen to women fret and worry about whether or not he’s also sleeping with someone else. These women either choose to stay silent about exclusivity with sex or throw the idea out and immediately drop it if the man is at all resistant. More often than not, the women later regret their decision and end up feeling that they are just another woman having sex with this guy they thought would love them.
Women, until you can start getting clarity about what you want and then stand behind that, you will forever be unhappy. If you filter your requests through the lens of what the other person wants rather than what’s important to you, you will almost always be short-changed. This is true in romantic relationships, work relationships and even in parenting. What I know is that if you don’t ask for what you want, you will most certainly not get it.
Remember that you create your life. You have to live with your decisions 24/7. Don’t allow someone else’s choices to become yours by default. Have the courage to truly decide what you want and then step in and ask for it. If the other person says no, then think about whether or not you can live with the no…and then be proud you asked.
Challenge: Pay attention to the things you want and how you ask for them. Notice the little voice inside you that tells you to alter your request based on what you think you’ll get rather than what you truly want. Dare to ask for what you want instead.