There is nothing like having a close friend you can count on to help you through life’s crazy journey. Friends can be there to comfort and support you, cheer you on, wake you up, warn you, guide you and just be present with you. Friends can also, however, do the opposite.
Friendships, like any other close relationship in your life, should pull you up rather than drag you down. Although many women are pulling one another up, there are also a number of women who are not. It’s important to know the difference between the friends who are pulling you up versus those who are dragging you down. Below are five signs that your friends are dragging you down and are not the healthy supports you need in your life.
1. They give you harmful advice. If your friends are telling you to get drunk, sleep around, get revenge, etc., they’re dragging you down. Often this kind of advice comes from women who are also partying, etc., and they don’t want to feel bad about themselves or what they’re doing. If they can get you to do the same, they won’t have to look at their own stuff. If your friends are out partying a lot, sleeping around, etc., chances are they’re running from something that they don’t want to look at. Getting you to join them helps with their denial. Stop joining them and instead open your eyes.
2. They tell you what they think you want to hear. Friends should be a safe place to get honest feedback. If your friends are constantly “yessing” you to keep you happy, they’re not helping. It’s not helpful for our friends to always take our side even when they know we are off. True feedback is a gift and when friends are courageous enough to give you honest feedback in a compassionate way, that is a courageous and loving act. Telling you what you want to hear is not.
3. They refuse to acknowledge or talk about their upsets with you. If your friends can’t have an honest conversation with you about what’s bothering them, you’re forever left guessing what’s wrong. Healthy friendship allows for disagreements and honest discussions — not silence. If they pretend not to be upset, yet distance from you or talk to others about you, you can’t trust them. Ask them directly what’s wrong and do your part to be authentic about what you’re thinking and feeling.
4. They feel threatened by your success. Friends who feel threatened will often challenge any forward moving action you take. They may tell you you’re crazy to try to open a new business, go back to school or better yourself in some way. Rather than cheering your growth on, they try to stifle it. Become skilled at telling the difference between helpful feedback and insecurity aimed at keeping you down.
5. You all act catty when you’re together. If you and your friends find connection through gossiping, pointing out the flaws of other women, bad-mouthing men or by being emotionally hurtful in your conversations about others, then you’re all dragging each other down. When women talk poorly about others, they will also talk poorly about you when you’re not around. Remember that while it often feels good to be on the inside of cattiness, it feels terrible to be the one on the outside that everyone’s talking about. Clean up the cattiness.
Take a hard look at your friends as well as yourself. Are you all pulling one another up or dragging each other down? Start becoming more conscious of how you want to be, what you want to change in your life and then start taking responsible steps to make that happen. Start becoming the friend you want others to be with you and pull for the best parts in your friends and yourself. Help one another soar, grow and reach their fullest potential.
Challenge: Take time to think about what you want in your life and then make sure you surround yourself with people who are going to support that growth and vision in healthy ways. Be sure you do the same for your friends.