I have heard horror stories, of late, regarding how some people have chosen to leave their marriages. The worst of which was a woman who packed up all of her things, hired a moving van and moved everything she owned out of her and her husband’s home—including furniture—without a word to her husband. What?! Her husband came home to an empty home with no wife and a lot less furniture. Unless there is history of physical abuse or the threat of abuse, this is truly unacceptable behavior from anyone—man or woman.
If you are adult enough to marry someone, you should be adult enough to have a mature conversation about leaving and to then responsibly AND respectfully do so. If children are involved, you are even more responsible to handle a divorce or separation amicably, respectfully and maturely. It does not matter how angry or hurt you may be at your partner, you are still responsible for taking the high road in the way you leave a person. If you were never shown how to do that, then read the “code of ethics” for leaving below—and remember to treat others, as you would want them to treat you.
What to do
1. Have a conversation about how unhappy you are well before you ever make the decision to leave. In fact, have several conversations, being clear in each about where you’re at, what you want and how much time your partner has to change things.
2. Get professional help for your marriage before you decide to leave it—especially if you have children. If you have children, then my belief is you must “earn your way out” of the marriage by doing everything in your power to fix the marriage first. If things are so bad that you are thinking of leaving, then professional help should be one of your last ditch efforts before calling it quits. If you don’t have children, your partner minimally deserves a chance to change things before you choose to walk out the door.
3. If there is a chance to work on the marriage, be clear about what you need. Be forthright in your communication about what your unhappiness is about and what you need to stay. Be sure to be accountable for what you’re asking for and make sure it’s a reasonable, healthy request. Wanting to go out drinking all the time with your friends is not a healthy request, so be sure to check yourself.
4. Take the high road. Stay “clean” in your interactions with your spouse and grounded in your message without being hurtful. Talk respectfully to each other and to others about each other. If you have children, be nothing but amicable in front of them and partner together to make this transition the least painful possible for them.
5. Be clear about whether you need to take space and may be willing to work on the marriage more in the future, or whether you are not willing to work on it and it’s over. And, again, you don’t get to just wake up and make a sneak attack while your spouse is out of town. Have the conversations ahead of time and take incremental steps toward leaving if things aren’t changing. Be honest the entire time about where you stand regarding the relationship, so there are no surprises. There is NO reason to burn bridges, so DON’T burn this one.
What not to do
1. Don’t ever move out while your spouse is gone; the only exception is if you are being physically abused. Leaving them to come home to an empty house without any advance notice that you were leaving is hurtful, immature and inexcusable. There should be no surprise breakups in a long-term marriage.
2. Don’t leave via an affair. Affairs are fantasies, not realities. I have worked with many affair couples that met each other in an affair, only to come into my office because they were now not happy in the relationship for which they both left their marriages. The grass truly is NOT always greener on the other side, so take off your rose-colored glasses before you harm a lot of lives.
3. Don’t refuse to speak to your spouse once you have left (unless a history of physical abuse makes you fearful for your safety). Allow time for both of you to talk through things together. Refusing to discuss an issue this big is unhealthy for both of you. Unless there are extreme circumstances, do not cutoff. If your spouse is vindictive and hurtful, then do what you need to do to stay out of harms way—without trying to hurt them back.
4. Don’t be selfish. Understand the impact of your behavior on your children, on your own psyche, as well as the psyche of your spouse. Again, you are an adult, not a teenager, so now, more than ever, is the time to act like one. It is NOT all about you, so don’t make it all about you. Avoid the urge to be punishing. Don’t seek revenge through a crazy, unfair settlement. Rise above any temptation to leave your spouse and children high and dry. That type of hate will rot you to your core and will only hurt all involved. It’s unnecessary. Be fair, respectful and accountable, not mean, selfish or hurtful in your interactions and in your negotiations.
5. Do not bad mouth your spouse in any way. You’re not in high school—stop the bad mouthing. Speak to your children about their other parent in a way that honors both your children and your spouse. They are 50% you and 50% your spouse, so don’t make them hate half of themselves. Do not try to make your partner out to be the evil one. There is no need to turn others against your spouse—especially if you have children. Children will grow to be adults and will resent you for making the divorce hell—so don’t do it! The more you talk bad about your partner, the worse you look in the eyes of others—even if they don’t tell you so. Take the high road.
Separating, divorcing and/or ending relationships are difficult for all involved — even under the best of circumstances. Don’t make it harder than it has to be. Be forthright, compassionate and mindful of the ripple effects in the way you choose to leave someone and ALWAYS take the high road.
Challenge: If you’re contemplating leaving your marriage or relationship, commit to doing so with integrity, compassion and respect. Take the high road in the way you leave. Don’t leave devastation in your wake.