Anger is a common problem for many people in relationships, and it is toxic when not controlled. Individuals are struggling with it, children are emulating it, and couples are separating because of it.
If you’re interested in a mutually energizing relationship, then it’s time to start controlling your anger and stop allowing your anger to control you. If you truly want to change your relationship and you struggle with anger, then you have to work it.
The first step to controlling your anger (after you realize it’s a problem) is to change your beliefs about anger. Here are several beliefs to adopt to help you get it under control:
- Every human being deserves to be treated with respect–at all times, by all people. Period. This includes you and your partner.
- People don’t make me mad, I make myself upset in response to what others do or don’t do. Many people struggle with this belief because they are certain their partner “made” them mad. The truth is that one day my partner could bump me and I’ll laugh at it and the next day he could bump me and I’ll get annoyed. It’s the same bump, same behavior; however, my interpretation is different depending on my mood, my boundaries, etc. He didn’t “make” me anything…he just bumped me.
- Words are just as hurtful as actions. I once had a client say to me that he believed the saying, “Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me.” This is a crazy notion that will get you on the fast track to divorce. Words may not hurt YOU, but I’m betting that if you’re being emotionally hurtful to your partner, they hurt him/her…and subsequently your relationship. Stop minimizing the toxicity of your words and know that when you choose to let yourself shoot verbal ammunition at your partner…those shots hurt.
Once you’ve adopted these rules and commit to incorporating them into your relationship, you have to try various things to help settle yourself down. First, it’s helpful for you to pay attention to when you’re getting angry.
Some clues that you’re getting angry:
- The hairs on the back of your neck feel like they are standing on endJ. You can feel yourself tightening and tensing up.
- You get defensive about someone’s feedback.
- You start elevating your voice.
- Your face feels flushed.
- You start speaking at a faster and louder pace.
Clues that your anger is getting out of control and over the top:
- You start making sarcastic remarks or overt digs.
- You start pointing your finger at, or putting your body and face directly in front of, the other person. You may even notice the other person back up and try to create a distance from you.
- You’re name calling, swearing, or belittling someone.
- The person you are speaking to says you’re angry or asks you to change your tone.
- You slam your fist on a table, into a wall, or raise it in the air in a threatening way.
- You throw, kick, or smash anything in anger, including slamming doors.
- You intimidate, threaten, or attempt to scare someone into shutting up or doing as you say.
- You begin to drive erratically: swerving lanes, honking horn, shooting the finger, speeding up, tailgating, etc.
When you catch yourself doing any of the above (or others that are more specific to you), you need to step in and remind yourself that you never have the right to be disrespectful to anyone, at any time. (Note: If your life is at risk, you obviously have the right to do what ever you need to do to keep yourself safe…that is not disrespect; it is survival and protection.).
If you’re struggling with being moderate with your anger, take the following steps to cool down:
- BREATHE…let me say that again…BREATHE. Take in a slow deep breath, hold to the count of four, and release just as slowly to the count of four. Do this two to three times to help slow down your heart rate and get centered so you can act versus react.
- SHUT YOUR MOUTH. Too many people get angry and then just start firing off the most horrific things before they even have time to think about the impact of their words. It is easier to not open your mouth at all than it is to open it and then try to control what comes out of it. You can spew things at your partner, but not without a cost to you and your relationship.
- TAKE SPACE. If you are too heated to be respectful, get out of the situation and cool off. Tell your partner you need to take a time out and go calm down. Do NOT go and stew!!! Take space and remind yourself of the core beliefs at the top. Do not obsess about what an obnoxious (fill in the blank) your partner is; that will not help you calm down. You are taking space so that you can be civil and handle your emotions in a respectful, adult way.
- DISTRACT yourself. Take a walk, take a shower, call a friend (one who will not tell you to go off on your partner), kick a soccer ball, take a run, journal, write a letter (that you do NOT send), etc. Figure out what works for you and implement it whenever you can feel yourself escalate.
Okay, these are some basic tips for handling your anger. The first step to controlling your anger is…admitting you have a problem. If it’s an issue in your relationship, then guess what–you have a problem. My suggestion is that you deal with it now before it destroys the things you care about most. The choice is up to you.
CHALLENGE: If you struggle with anger, figure out where you need to start (a belief, awareness of when angry, signs you’re over the top, or intervening), and focus on that area until you feel ready to move on to the next one. If you’re not sure if you have a problem with anger, ask your partner…and take in their response without getting angry about what they said.