Have you heard all the hype about The Secret? I’ve had clients talking about it, the media writing about it, and friends wondering about it. So I did what any curious professional would do: I went out to get it. Although I thought it missed an important component (integrity in your choices and desires) pertaining to the principle, I found many points to be interesting and helpful reminders of what numerous people and resources have said in various ways, over hundreds of years: You attract what you put out (this is my simplistic summary of the concept, so for more you may want to read the book).
So how does this concept play out in terms of creating healthy, great relationships? Well, to learn the answer to that question you’ll have to purchase my new book, The Secret to Great Relationships…ha, ha, just kidding.
The Secret to Great Relationships is: The better you take care of yourself, the better and healthier your relationships will be. In other words: The healthier you are, the healthier your relationships.
I realize that this may sound simple; however, it’s one of the most difficult things for many people to do. It’s difficult for them to do it at all and it’s also difficult for people, when they do it, to do it in a healthy, relational way. There are several reasons people struggle with this secret, ranging from wanting to be liked, to being overly selfish. Just as in everyday life, this secret is all about balance.
Before you quickly blow this off or assume you’re healthy, let me explain what I mean when I talk about taking care of yourself or being healthy. Being healthy requires that you:
• Practice good boundaries (read post on boundaries for more information).
• Practice healthy self-esteem (be nonjudgmental of others, don’t see yourself as less than or better than anyone else).
• Do not accept any disrespectful behaviors from anyone in your life (you are able to set clear limits and take yourself out of the situation when necessary).
• Realize and live by the notion that those in your inner circle must treat you lovingly and vice versa.
• Balance your needs with the needs of loved ones (note: don’t repeatedly sacrifice your needs for the needs of your loved ones nor do you ignore or gloss over the needs of your loved ones for your own needs).
• Stay focused on your actions and behaviors and stop pointing out the poor behaviors of your partner (instead, you set a limit on their behaviors and hold your partner accountable for them when necessary).
People struggle so much with self-care because it is a difficult concept to grasp. There’s a delicate balance between taking care of yourself and being selfish. Being selfish ignores the needs of others and active self-care insures that you take care of your own needs while honoring the needs of others—you don’t sacrifice or ignore either one. Finding a middle, healthy ground takes practice and a lot of hard work. You have to be willing to let go of the fear of losing someone, the desire to caretake someone, and the selfish flip side of not thinking about someone other than you.
Women, in general, tend to struggle with caretaking others and forgetting and sacrificing themselves, and men, in general, tend to be better at self-care and not so good at balancing the needs of the relationship. In order to have a healthy relationship, you need to do both. If you’re not in a healthy relationship, then practice the “relationship secret” and work on getting healthier yourself; I guarantee the effect of that will positively impact all your relationships.
Challenge: Look at the list above describing healthy self-care and assess where you are in each area. Choose the area you are the weakest in and focus on improving that area first. As you strengthen that area, note the changes in your relationships.