Mr. Smith was so angry at his son Scott that he could barely look at him. Apparently Scott had been punching walls, swearing, and generally getting out of control, more times than not, when he was angry. Mr. Smith had had it. Mrs. Smith had had it. Scott was annoyed that he actually had to sit there with his parents and this stupid therapist discussing his anger. He thought it was ironic that all eyes were on him when he certainly was not the only one in this house who had anger issues.
You cannot imagine the look on Scott’s face when he heard this “stupid” therapist (yes the stupid therapist was me) ask: “So who else in this family has a hard time handling their anger?”
You could have heard a pin drop. Mr. Smith became indignant, Mrs. Smith shrunk in her seat, and Scott…he enjoyed every second, and of course did not hesitate to rat his father out.
My response: “You can’t ask your son to do something that you, as an adult, are unable to do yourself”.
When it comes to parenting, we often seem to forget the importance of modeling.
- Mr. Smith punches a hole in the wall on Monday and when his son Scott does the same on Thursday, Mr. Smith is so angry he smacks his son on the back of his head and calls him an untamed animal…WHAT??? Doesn’t that make Mr. Smith an untamed animal too?
- Tommy, who’s 5 years old, says sh*t in front of Mrs. Jones. Mrs. Jones then tells Tommy’s mother who punishes Tommy. When Tommy says she says sh*t, his mother snaps and tells him that when he’s 35, he can say whatever the hell he wants, but until then he need s to watch his mouth!
- Steve comes home with a detention for fighting in fifth grade. When his father gets home he hits Steve and yells at him for hitting a boy at school. Hmmmm…
The examples are unending however the distorted messages are all the same: Do as I say, not as I do. Unfortunately, life doesn’t work that way; parenting doesn’t work that way (although man do I wish it did sometimes believe me!). Kids do what they see, plain and simple. It’s like they’re deaf and have 20/20 vision; such a killer combination for us parents, and frankly very unfair. But, it is what it is and we need to stop pretending it’s otherwise.
Us parents and supposed “adults”, need to realize that we cannot expect our children to be able to manage their behaviors when we cannot manage our own. How is it fair to ask a five year old to not swear when s/he is listening to mom and dad swear every day? Why is it okay for dad to hit Johnny, but not okay for Johnny to hit Sam? These mixed messages are confusing for children at best, and down right contradictory and crazy making at worst.
If you want your child to not swear than stop swearing yourself and then show your child how you did it. If you can’t manage your own anger, then stop beating on your children when they don’t handle theirs. Get yourself together and then teach your children how to do the same; don’t ask your child to teach you or worse yet, ignore you and figure out for themselves how to do something the most important adult in their life can’t do.
As parents, we took on an incredible amount of responsibility when we chose to have children…and we made that choice. Now it’s our jobs to live up to that decision and BE RESPONSIBLE. It’s okay that we’ll make mistakes, as long as we keep learning from them and working them. It’s not okay to justify or rationalize our mistakes and demand more from our children than we do ourselves.
CHALLENGE: Scan your parenting for mixed messages; is there any place where you are asking your children to do something that you don’t do yourself? If so, then clean it up. Remember, changing me, changes we. The best way to change your children is to change yourself first…not fun, but effective.