“Defensiveness is a key predictor of divorce; if you want to be happily married, you had better lose the defensiveness.” ~Lisa Merlo-Booth
Over the years, I’ve realized how utterly uncommon accountability is, and courageous accountability is even less common. Have you noticed this as well? Do you struggle with being accountable? If so, let me tell you, you are in a VERY BIG BOAT!
When I was younger, I thought I was one of the few defensive ones. Almost all criticism felt like an unfair miss-assessment of my actions, intentions, and character. And, trust me, I learned to bob and weave around “critical feedback”—I had to—my ego was honestly too fragile to hear it without feeling bad about myself. So, I defended, denied, spun it, or ignored negative feedback for many years—until I learned how to be courageous rather than defensive.
As it turns out, I was not the only one who struggled with being defensive. In fact, countless people continue to struggle every day with taking responsibility for their actions. However, the fact that so many people struggle with defensiveness shouldn’t be a shocker. Our world teaches us to screw up accountability every day. Culturally we blame:
- Victims for the acts of their abusers.
- Women for “bringing on” the sexual harassment of their bosses and co-workers.
- Minorities for the discrimination they live every day.
- Ourselves for the actions of others.
The reality is that defensiveness and lack of accountability are relationship-crushing. When you can’t hear feedback and acknowledge your actions, you will repeat those actions. Over time, few issues get resolved because you’re too defensive and unable to listen to the upset of those around you.
Don’t lose a tremendous opportunity for ongoing growth by getting reactive to feedback. Defensiveness is not about how someone gives you feedback; it’s about how well you receive feedback. Feedback is a gift—the trick to getting the full impact of that gift is finding the courage to actually unwrap it and forever use what you were given. Work like hell to get yourself strong enough to not only hear feedback but to actually take it in, learn from it, and courageously grow.
Challenge: If you struggle with being defensive, stop blaming your defensiveness on how others give you feedback or how others act. Your defensiveness is 100% within YOUR control. Pay attention to how defensiveness shows up in your life and relationships and its impact.
Join me on Tuesday, April 25, 2023, at 5:30 p.m. ET // 2:30 p.m. PT to learn more about the next round of my game-changing course and how it can help you overcome defensiveness so you can thrive in your relationship! Click here to register for free!
