“Avoiding conflict creates a false sense of security in relationships which is anything but kind; Have the hard conversations.” ~Lisa Merlo-Booth
Far too many believe avoiding difficult conversations protects relationships rather than harms them. However, choosing not to talk about an issue doesn’t mean the issue isn’t a problem. When you dodge even relatively minor issues, you lay the groundwork for those problems to become more significant over time. As more time passes, these form cracks in the foundation of any relationship.
Avoiding issues happen for all sorts of reasons, including:
- Believing that the other person will be upset.
- Feeling afraid about the other person’s reaction to your honesty.
- Not believing the conversation will result in any change.
- Thinking that it’s best to focus on what’s positive rather than the negative.
- Wanting to move on and not have to revisit the same issue—even if there is still tension.
Regardless of whether you’re avoiding conflict due to any of the above or because of what you learned growing up, the truth is you can’t have a truly connected relationship without having hard conversations. Anyone can get along when things are going well; the struggle is getting through the hard times—not the good ones. When you ignore the challenging moments to get back to the good ones, you leave a wake of debris behind you that never goes away. Eventually, that debris gets so high that you can’t drudge through it without being overwhelmed and at a loss as to how to get to the other side.
- Choosing not to tell your spouse what you are upset about isn’t kind to your spouse—it’s self-protective of you.
- Pretending that your friend’s lies do not hurt you isn’t going to save the friendship—it will leave you feeling more distant and your friend wondering why.
- And, telling your sibling everything’s fine while you then complain about them to your other family members—is hurtful, not loving.
Intimacy is “into me, you see”—the difficult-to-hear and the easy parts. Working through hard conversations is the pathway to building trust, creating safety, and strengthening connection; it is not what destroys relationships. When you can be compassionately honest to the people in your life who matter and know they will courageously be accountable, it’s a game-changer.
Challenge: Relationships are harmed daily by people avoiding, defending, shutting down, or blowing up in response to conflict and hard feedback. Don’t become another statistic because you aren’t brave enough to have hard conversations. Learn the skills, have honest conversations, take in difficult feedback, and watch how your life changes.
