“You can be the best listener in the world, and it doesn’t matter how well you’re “listening;” if you’re still unaccountable for your actions and their impact.” ~ Lisa Merlo-Booth
Listening seems to be the new “hot” button issue regarding relationships at work, at home, and in the world. Everywhere I turn, I hear about the importance of:
- “Active listening.”
- “More effective listening.”
- “Being a better listener.”
Listening is excellent and crucial in all of your relationships. However, listening is not the main issue when two people are conversing about critical feedback, conflict, or someone’s upset. In many ways, the stress that so many experts place on the importance of “listening” is gravely missing the boat and often leads to a weaponizing of “listening.”
I see people “listen” all the time. Many people I work with “hear” what is said and can even repeat it, explain it, and understand the message. They will respond to their partner’s upset by saying things like:
- “I hear that you’re sad about that.”
- “I’m sorry that you think I was rude to you.”
- “I heard you—you’re mad that I was late. I get it”.
- “I’m hearing you say that…(and then they accurately repeat—almost verbatim—what was said).
.…and the end result of all of the above interactions is still frustration, anger, hurt, and further distance. The problem I incessantly see in my work is not fixed by just listening because it doesn’t matter how well you’re “listening” if you’re still unaccountable for your actions and their impact.
Accountability is where you are missing the boat—not listening. You can hear all day long; however, if you cannot genuinely own, acknowledge the impact, and repair your actions—your relationships will struggle.
When you combine the skill of listening with the courage of accountability, you will change the trajectory of every relationship you find yourself in—at home, on the job, and in the world. Courageous accountability is the secret sauce to intimacy, connection, and a healthy relationship, culture, and society; dare to build those skills.
Challenge: Pay attention to how well you take accountability in your relationships for your actions and their impact. Notice the difference between “listening” to their feedback and upsets versus acknowledging and owning your actions that led to those upsets. Pay attention to how it feels when others do the same with you.
