“When your partner complains about a pattern of behavior you do, listen, the first time.” ~LMB
The key way out of a struggling relationship is finding the courage to change in the area your partner has been asking you to change for years. Too many people respond to their partner’s complaints by dismissing or minimizing the behavior, arguing that they don’t do the behavior, or even turning the tables and blaming their partner for their actions. As you can imagine, all of these responses harm relationships. Denying your behavior is a problem doesn’t mean it’s not a problem.
When marriages are struggling, “edges” are often at the heart of that struggle. Repetitive complaints about a particular behavior (E.g., rage, silence) are a sign that someone’s “edge” is at play. Your “edge’ is that knee-jerk dysfunctional move you make in times of stress or conflict before you even think. Edges can be silencing, raging, micromanaging, people-pleasing, reactivity, etc. Everyone has their edges, and all edges can wreak havoc in your life if you don’t get them under control.
Every human has their edge(s), and all edges form when you are young. Your edge is a reflexive survival move that you use to protect yourself before you even think. Some people get big to protect themselves, some get small, and others do everything in between. And everyone acts a certain way at any given time – because they choose to act that way; no one makes you rage, shrink, micro-manage, etc., ever.
If your partner has been complaining for years about a particular behavior you do, slow down and listen. Early in relationships, partners laugh at, accept, and often minimize their spouse’s edge, thinking their anger, micro-managing, or (fill in the blank) was just a momentary blip. When the relationship gets more serious, these “blips” are seen more often and soon recognized as a common response to upset. Over time, those common responses become patterns that become annoyances, problems and ultimately create cracks in the relationship’s foundation.
Because everyone has their knee-jerk dysfunctional move(s), having an edge is not the problem. The problem is when you fail to acknowledge your pattern, minimize it, or blame your moves on your partner (or others). When you fail to recognize or work on your edge(s), those edges can ruin your relationships and seriously impact your life.
Challenge: If people have complained about how you show up in times of stress or upset, pay attention. Their feedback is a gift to you. If you refuse to open that gift and take in the lessons that feedback is here to teach you, relationships will be much more difficult than necessary.
