“Healthy, connected relationships cannot happen without safety on every level.” ~LMB
Are you safe towards others?
I mean: Are you REALLY safe to others?
Are the people in your life tiptoeing around your anger? Is your spouse afraid to be honest about their feelings or upset regarding your actions? Do you justify your anger outbursts because of something they did to “set you off”? Does anyone say that you’re intimidating, scary, or have a problem with anger?
I see people yelling, shaming, blowing up, name-calling, belittling, and far too frequently being emotionally unsafe to those they “love.” Subsequently, far too many family members walk on eggshells around those closest to them. They’re walking on eggshells out of fear of their loved one’s volatility. (Note: I’m not even talking about domestic violence—that’s in a category itself).
We have a genuinely harmful paradigm in our world when it comes to relationships that tells us that it’s not only okay to “lose it” on your loved ones, but it is, in fact, “normal” to do so:
- “Everyone yells.”
- “Toughen up and stop being so sensitive.”
- “Man up and stop being a wimp.”
- “Don’t ‘make’ people mad.”
- “If someone hurts you, you have the right to annihilate them in return—it serves them right.”
Emotional abuse is not okay, justified, or a healthy response to your upset at a loved one. Yelling, slamming doors, chasing someone in anger, intimidating others with your intensity or actions, humiliation, mocking, or shutting someone down with your intensity are all emotionally unsafe behaviors. More covert and equally harmful behaviors include dismissiveness, control, and talking to others with disdain or contempt toward them.
When you act in a way that is intimidating or belittling of others, your actions are ALL about YOU—no matter how much you may try to blame your actions on others. And, until you realize and take ownership of your emotional regulation, you are destined to struggle in your relationships—regardless of what those closest to you are saying or not saying. You are harming your relationship if you are sporadically blowing up, talking down to, or being emotionally unsafe to a loved one. Your level of safety towards others is 100% YOUR responsibility, and if you don’t have it under control, then it is your responsibility to do what you need to do to get it under control, or you will lose, as will those closest to you.
Challenge: Uncompromising safety is a foundational prerequisite for healthy, connected relationships. If your partner is afraid of your anger, intensity, or psychological treatment of them at any time—including times of upset—then you are emotionally unsafe. Get the help you need to fix this issue before you lose out on what could be some fantastic connections.
