“Marriage is a partnership, not a parent-ship. Being the ‘boss’ over the money makes you a parent, not a partner.” ~LMB
Finances are a notoriously tricky issue for couples: How much should we save? How much should we spend? What are our financial goals? Should we have joint or separate bank accounts? If one person makes the money, are they in charge of spending that money? And on and on. The questions can be endless, and the answers are seldom black or white. Fortunately, when couples work together to resolve these issues, the finances become an avenue of connection, not destruction.
However, an unhealthy power dynamic around money emerges when couples don’t mutually respect each other’s opinions regarding finances. Essentially, one partner believes they control the money because they earn it. This power dynamic is most common in households where the husband works and the wife stays home to raise the kids. Often, the husband may give his spouse an ‘allowance’ and a credit card; however, it’s clear that he holds the financial reins. Implicit in this arrangement is the belief, spoken or unspoken, that his work and his opinions are more important than his wife’s.
In these situations, wives often struggle. They feel simultaneous anger at themselves for wondering if their husbands are right and resent their husbands for undervaluing their contribution to the family. Consequently, they feel guilt for asking for money, frustration for not asking, and resentful for getting an ‘allowance’ at 30, 40, or 50 years of age like they did when they were 10; only now, it’s from their husband.
If your husband controls the money in your home, you may ask yourself, what the hell happened? How can your husband buy a boat, car, etc., without discussing it with you, yet you need his okay to purchase anything outside your ‘allowance’? How is it that when it comes to the money, it’s ‘his’ money, yet when it pertains to the kids, they’re ‘our’ kids? And, finally, you may wonder if it’s true that the person who makes the money ‘owns’ the money. (P.S. The short answer to this question is NO.)
Unhealthy power dynamics result from an antiquated relationship paradigm based on hierarchy and unequal power. The problem with hierarchy in your marriage is it creates distance, resentment, and a me-against-you dynamic. Marriage of today is a partnership, not a ‘parent-ship.’ Navigating through a landscape far different today than that of decades past requires both spouses’ wisdom, respect, and actions, not a unilateral boss. It doesn’t matter which spouse makes the money, takes care of the kids, or (fill in the blank); both spouses are equal partners working together to create the best outcome for everyone in the family.
You and your partner deserve to have your home be a place of respite. You cannot have that if one partner is the boss over the other in any area. Genuine equality in your home demands that both spouses’ thoughts, opinions, wants, and needs are essential and mutually respected. Without this core piece, unequal relationships have a rocky foundation at best.
Challenge: Take a stand for yourself and the relationship by ensuring both partners have a voice on all issues. Ensure each spouse’s ideas, thoughts, wants, and needs are equally respected and vital.
