Weekly Tip: Changing from explaining, minimizing, or justifying your actions to owning the impact your actions cause changes the trajectory of your relationship.
There are few things more frustrating, disappointing, or infuriating than constantly having your upsets responded to with statements like:
- Why are you making such a big deal out of that? It’s not that big a deal.
- I did that because (blah, blah, blah).
- I was joking; You are too sensitive.
- I only did that because (Fill in the blank). Can’t you cut me a break?
- Oh, okay, so I guess I suck then and am just a screw-up.
Can you relate to any of the statements above? Do you share the same frustration my clients feel when your spouse consistently defends their actions instead of acknowledging and changing them? In response to their defense, do you find yourself:
- Over-explaining and arguing your points.
- Twist yourself into a pretzel to say things “just right” in the hopes that they’ll hear it without feeling attacked.
- Constantly doing a cost/benefit analysis to decide if it’s even worth saying anything.
- Staying silent about your upsets since they seldom get resolved anyway.
- Blowing up after the umpteenth time of them defending or dismissing your concerns.
And on and on.
If any of the above resonates with you, then sadly, you are in a VERY BIG boat; countless people are struggling with this issue. Honestly, the inability to receive feedback and resolve conflict is not only blowing up marriages—it’s halting careers, ending friendships, weakening teams, and creating really tough cultures—in homes, companies, and the world.
The good news, though, is that you are not responsible for someone else’s inability or refusal to take in feedback. Yup—it’s not your job. If you’re the one giving the feedback and talking about your upset, then you are only responsible for speaking about your upset. You’re accountable for doing so clearly, respectfully, and with “clean energy”—and that is all. What the other person does on their end is their work.
Being responsible for only your side of the equation can feel incredibly freeing. Once you realize that their defensiveness is NOT about how you said it or whether it’s important or not, you can let go of trying to get them to “get it” and instead move on to what you need to do when they refuse to be accountable (a different post, lol).
Challenge: Before we move to what to do when others refuse to be accountable, step into these conversations with a new strength. Stay grounded, confident, and strong in your feedback. Once you know your energy and message is “clean,”:
- Don’t, for a moment, try to convince them that your upset is warranted—know it is.
- Don’t, for a moment, allow their minimizing your upset to lead you to question whether your upset is “legit”—know it is.
- Don’t, for a moment, give up your truth to make them more comfortable—own it without walking it back or apologizing for the message.
