“I came to the conclusion that there is an existential moment in your life when you must decide to speak for yourself; nobody else can speak for you.” Martin Luther King
Countless people silence their voices in their most important relationships out of fear of the other person’s anger and reactivity. In marriage, when you silence your voice because of your partner’s anger and reactivity, it’s common to train yourself to “numb out,” minimize, or even ignore your pain from their behavior. After all, is speaking up really worth it if your partner consistently blows up, spins it, or is offended that you dared to call them out on their behaviors?
Numbing out and silencing to the hurts that your partner seldom acknowledges, however, not only doesn’t honor you, but it ultimately puts you at greater risk for more mistreatment.
Training yourself to ignore the pain of their actions dramatically minimizes the chances of your “existential moment” ever happening. Focusing on the fear of your partner’s reaction rather than the pain of their actions is like Wrexham A.F.C. ignoring the pain of being relegated (many times in their history) rather than using that pain to ignite the fire in them to do better. The pain of being at the bottom of the league time and again was the necessary ingredient that led to their “miraculous” promotion into The Football League in 2023 (see Wrexham history here). If they ignored what it felt like to have so many losing seasons, then they rob themselves of a potentially better future.
You can’t get fired up, motivated, or determined to create change around something that you have trained yourself to ignore or minimize. The more you focus on your partner’s potential reaction to your upset, the more likely you accept their poor treatment. The more you accept their hurtful actions, the more you teach them that those actions are okay. And the more you teach them their actions are okay, the more they do them, the more you numb out to them, and the more you accept them. In essence, the more you do the above, the more you become like the frog in the proverbial boiling water—becoming increasingly used to the ‘warm’ water—never realizing the heat is forever rising until they die in the boiling water.
What most people don’t know is that if you’re with someone with an anger problem, they had that anger issue well before they ever met you. Their anger has NOTHING to do with how you speak, what you say, or how you say it; they blow up, get defensive, and shut you down because that is their move and because it works. Blowing up gets you off their back. Getting defensive leaves you and others frustrated and hopeless that they’ll ever be accountable, so people stop holding them accountable. They spin your upset on you because by doing so, they don’t have to look at or change their actions. Their anger and reactivity—get you off their back. And they will do the same thing with anyone else who dares to hold their feet to the fire.
Their reactivity is not about you.
Your silence and avoidance of their reactivity are about you. Honor yourself—and the relationship—by speaking your truth with a Grounded Powerful Strength (G.P.S.) that is respectful, matter-of-fact, and strong.
Challenge: Make room for your “existential moment”. Take in the pain of your partner’s actions and reactions without numbing out, minimizing, or ignoring them. If you don’t speak up for yourself, no one else will.
Note: The above is not meant for relationships where there is any physical violence
