“Those who disrespect you with their mouth don’t deserve your ear.” ― Curtis Tyrone Jones
Radically New Relationships are safe relationships; there’s no intimidation, walking on eggshells, shaming, or fear of retaliation/rage/emotional abuse. Your home is a safe haven for everyone who enters and lives there. Conflict is handled courageously, not aggressively, and leaves everyone feeling more connected, not less. And everyone’s feelings, thoughts, and opinions matter and are honored.
However, the traditional relationship paradigm teaches you that harshness, reactivity, intense anger, intimidation, and even rage are okay responses to upsets and conflict. It leaves people believing that there is an inherent hierarchy of whose opinions, thoughts, and experiences are important and whose aren’t. And it makes true connection and partnership near impossible.
Every time you react to your partner’s upset with intensity, defensiveness, or emotional volatility, you break trust in your relationship. Your emotional reactivity teaches your partner that they can’t count on you managing your emotions in a way that honors their humanity. In essence, you train them not to trust your ability to work through issues safely and respectfully. When you frequently respond to their upset with intensity, snarky comments, righteousness, shutting down for hours or days, etc., inherent in your message is for them to back off because this conversation will not go well.
Eventually, those around you will get the message: Your reactivity will work; they will hear you, and they will stop: They will stop complaining, sharing, interacting—and—connecting with you. And when they do, don’t complain about their distance. Take in the total weight of what you created—demanded—with your ac
Blaming your partner for not being vulnerable, honest, or emotionally intimate with you—rather than acknowledging how your behavior has trained them to self-protect—robs you of the opportunity to build the connection and intimacy you’re craving.
Challenge: Uncompromising safety is a prerequisite for true intimacy. Be sure your actions and reactions are emotionally, energetically, and psychologically safe. If you struggle with taking in difficult feedback and/or regulating your emotions, do the work necessary to strengthen those muscles.
