“Reactive complaining can strain even the strongest relationships.” ~LMB
Reactive complaining happens when someone voices a concern, and instead of addressing it, you reflexively bring up a complaint of your own. For example:
- Sally: Honey, can you please remember to put your clothes in the laundry rather than the floor?
- Scott: (Eye-roll) I do most days. How about turn the bathroom light off when you go to bed?
- Sally: What? Where did that come from?
- Scott: Well, if we’re going to be picky, I get to share what bothers me too.
And they’re off…
Here’s the thing about reactive complaining—it’s a defense tactic, not a legitimate expression of concern. When you respond to your partner’s complaints by bringing up your own, chances are you feel triggered and want to avoid being the only one who “messed up.” This knee-jerk response shifts the focus from the relationship to self-protection, which damages the relationship.
Men, in particular, fall into this pattern due to cultural messaging to “suck it up” and not “be a cry-baby.”, When I talk about this to men, their first question is often, “Why can my partner complain, but I can’t?” The answer: You absolutely can. Your wants, needs, and concerns are as important as your partner’s—yet they need to be expressed at a time that isn’t in response to your partner’s concerns. You must initiate the conversation instead of piggybacking on theirs.
To do this, take the time to identify your needs, wants, and concerns. Once you’re clear, bring them up in a separate conversation.
Challenge: Don’t claim to be “easy-going” while repeatedly hijacking your partner’s concerns with your own. Staying silent and ignoring what bothers you, breeds resentment, ultimately eroding the relationship. Give yourself and your partner center stage when addressing issues—allow each person the space to stand up for themselves and the relationship.
