“Managing others’ emotions robs them and harms you.” ~LMB
Every time you silence yourself to avoid your partner’s blow-up, lie to keep others from feeling sad, tiptoe around someone’s rage, or brush off a hurt to avoid a loved one’s defensiveness, you are attempting to manage their emotions. But focusing on something you can’t control—other people—robs them of doing their own work and robs you of living your best life.
When you twist yourself into a pretzel trying not to “set your spouse off,” hurt someone’s feelings, or avoid your child’s tantrum, you shield them from the hard work of managing their own emotions. Take rage, for example: your spouse gets to explode while you scramble to pick up the debris. You silence yourself, acquiesce, or even apologize when you’ve done nothing wrong—all to calm them down. While you work tirelessly to manage their outbursts, reassure the kids, and pretend everything is fine, they slip back into comfort, knowing they’ve avoided discomfort yet again. They react mindlessly while everyone else coddles them. And even if their rage doesn’t “work” for you, why would they feel the need to change if it still works for them?
Your attempts to manage their emotions keep you trapped. Your life and relationship become a constant dance of reading your partner, trying not to upset them, and keeping yourself “in line.” Instead of focusing on your own feelings, you spend hours, days—maybe even years—trying to manage theirs. You hope they’ll change, bending yourself into who they need you to be, all in the hope that one day, they’ll become who you wish they could be.
But managing others’ emotions is a losing battle. One day, your acquiescence might calm them down; the next day, the same behavior might set them off. You have no control over others’ emotions, actions, or reactions. Every time you sacrifice your own needs to keep someone else from getting upset, you lose a piece of yourself. Over time, this leads to your own disconnection from who you are while the other person remains emotionally unregulated. In the end, it’s a lose-lose for both of you.
Challenge: Let others manage their own emotions while you focus on yourself. Don’t rob them of the opportunity to do their internal work. When the consequences of their actions become big enough, they’ll either learn to regulate—or they won’t. Either way, let them figure it out while you decide your next move. If you need guidance, read The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins.
