“Lies undermine the safety of relationships, damaging the foundation of every relationship and culture.” ~LMB
A core pillar for creating healthy relationships and cultures is Uncompromising Safety. Safety builds or breaks down trust. A key aspect of safety is honesty. In marriage, dishonesty can happen via a series of small acts (E.g., saying you’re not mad when you are) or major betrayals (E.g., affairs). In a culture, the same can apply: small acts (E.g., saying you completed a task when you didn’t) to extreme lies (E.g., Claiming your opponent stole the election even when you know it wasn’t).
Whether you’re talking about your relationships, work culture, politics, or the world, lies and deceit harm the foundation of every relationship and culture.
When you lie to your spouse about the big things, they lose their trust in you regarding most things. This dynamic even holds when you lie over minor things, such as taking out the trash or saying you had a late meeting when you stopped by the bar to drink. Over time, these seemingly “small” lies take a gigantic toll on your relationships.
The funny thing about lying is that the more you lie, the more you start to believe your lies—and the more you assume those around you believe your lies, too. I have a unique position in my work; clients tell me things they wouldn’t dare share with their partners. When it comes to lying, those being lied to almost always have a “straw that broke the camel’s back” moment. For some people, the break happens after only a few lies; for others, it happens after years of lies. However, almost all people who repeatedly told a series of “white” lies, lies of omission, straight lies, or big lies—know. How do I know that they know? Because they tell me. They say things like:
• “I can’t trust a single word that comes out of his mouth.”
• “I’m not even going to ask about it because I know they will lie.”
• “WTH?! Do they think I’m stupid?”
So, the lying partners continue to lie and remain oblivious to the deep damage they create in the relational foundation of their marriage. They are confident their spouses believe their lies—hell, over time, those lying practically believe them too—so why wouldn’t they assume their partners do?
The deceptive partner would be shocked to learn how deeply their spouse distrusts them. Of course, this ignorance is also understandable, given that their spouses seldom call out the lies or have direct conversations about the deceitful spouse’s harmful pattern. Why would they talk to their partner about lying when all they’re going to do is lie?
Uncompromising safety in relationships requires honesty. If you can’t trust your spouse to be honest, they’re not safe to rely on, be vulnerable with, or reliably work through issues. Eventually, one partner gives up, pulls away, and tunes out most of what their deceitful partner tells them. Tuning out most of the B.S. becomes a survival instinct that allows them to tread water in a thoroughly toxic ocean.
This same tuning out happens on a national scale as well when leaders’ lies become so absurd, frequent, and fear-provoking that many stop listening, think “every leader lies,” ignore all media, or metaphorically cover their eyes and ears, just as spouses do, believing, “I don’t believe a single word this man says.”
Challenge: If lying is playing out in your relationship, slow down and pay attention to your role. Are you being dishonest by omitting information, telling “innocent” half-truths, or boldly lying about one or more issues? If so, assume that your partner sees right through your lies. They may be pretending with you because they don’t trust you to be honest when your lies are confronted.
If your partner is lying, pay attention to how you ignore, justify, or pretend to go along with the lies. Realize that you are also being dishonest by acting as though you believe your partner. Pay attention to the impact of your silence on you.
