“Don’t confuse mistakes with harmful patterns. Harmful patterns destroy relationships.” ~ LMB
When it comes to relationships, no one is perfect. Everyone makes mistakes, and even the healthiest couples have conflict. However, making mistakes is very different than being relationally harmful in your marriage. If you’re doing any of the behaviors below, then your actions are harmful. All of the behaviors below are difficult to live with; when these behaviors become chronic patterns, they become impossible to live with over time.
- Self-Centered Relational Stance. A relationship cannot thrive when one person consistently makes unilateral decisions, prioritizing their own wants and needs while disregarding the impact on their partner. For example, going out drinking all night with friends without communicating when you’ll be home—and then ignoring your spouse’s calls or messages—is not just inconsiderate, it’s emotionally damaging. Similarly, spending the entire weekend golfing while your partner stays home managing the kids, and then becoming annoyed when they ask to create a more balanced family schedule, shows a lack of shared responsibility. Similarly, buying yourself an expensive toy like a car or boat without discussing it first, and then getting angry when your partner expresses frustration, is entitlement. These actions are not just selfish; they actively erode trust and intimacy. If you want the freedom to act without accountability or collaboration, you may need to reconsider whether you’re ready for a committed relationship. Being in a partnership means making decisions together, not treating your partner as a bystander.
- Emotional Fragility. Avoiding conflict, easily getting angry, irritated, combative, or passive-aggressive due to disagreements or attempts by your partner to address your behavior is a red flag for emotional fragility. Reacting to feedback like you can’t handle it or it’s an attack, or as if the other person has no right to give it, creates tremendous disconnection and walls in relationships. Emotional fragility sends the message that you can’t handle anything but positive, surface-level communication. Avoiding conflict, taking honest feedback as an attack, and viewing the upset of others as an annoyance at best, robs you of the opportunity to strengthen and build healthy relationships. Over time, your avoidance and reactivity become the weapons of destruction in your relationships.
- Emotional Reactivity and Verbal Abuse.
Snapping at your partner when you’re triggered, irritable, or feeling challenged may seem like momentary frustration, but over time, it creates an environment of tension, fear, and emotional instability. When your default is to lash out, shut down conversations, or make your partner walk on eggshells to avoid your moods, you become emotionally unsafe to live with. And when that reactivity escalates into name-calling, belittling, or rage, it crosses the line into emotional abuse. These behaviors aren’t just hurtful—they’re damaging and destructive. No one feels safe, loved, or respected when they’re regularly demeaned or intimidated. Whether subtle or severe, emotional volatility and verbal cruelty will erode trust, destroy connection, and ultimately unravel the relationship.
- Lack of Accountability. Treating your spouse poorly and then getting angry when they call you out is entitled and selfish. Your refusal to take responsibility—whether rooted in shame, defensiveness, grandiosity, a need for control, or a desire to avoid conflict—is about your issues, not theirs. When your partner attempts to address how your behavior affects them and you deflect, deny, or play the victim, you’re making it crystal clear: you’re not willing to grow. Over time, that message lands. Your spouse learns that you won’t own your impact, won’t change, and that things will only get worse. No matter how patient or accepting they’ve been in the past, everyone has a breaking point. If you keep avoiding accountability, it’s only a matter of time before your partner reaches theirs.
Healthy relationships are built on one non-negotiable foundation: emotional and physical safety. They are reciprocal, respectful, and mutually fulfilling. If you are showing up in your relationship as selfish, unaccountable, and emotionally reactive, you are actively damaging your relationship. And if you’ve convinced yourself that your spouse “makes” you act this way, you’re lying to yourself. Your reactions are yours to own. Always.
Challenge: Eliminate all toxic behaviors from your interactions, especially with those you love most. If you can’t break these patterns on your own, get help. If you want a relationship that is safe, strong, and connected, then step up. Read the books. Take the courses. Talk to a therapist. Do the work. Love should not hurt. Marriage should not feel like survival. Home should feel like a place of respite for everyone, not a battlefield. It’s time to change the way you show up.
Note: For those living with a partner who engages in these behaviors, know this: they are not “normal” or acceptable. These are harmful patterns, not typical relationship problems you have to tolerate. You deserve safety, respect, accountability, and peace. Reach out for support. Learn how to stand up to these patterns safely and confidently—for your sake, your family’s, and the future of your relationship.
