I tell people all the time that they deserve to be treated well; many say they know, yet few live like they do.  Healthy relationships start with you; they start from the inside out.  If your partner’s unhealthy and you’re with him/her, then you are unhealthy too.  The bottom line is healthy people don’t settle for unhealthy relationships.

If you’re in an unhealthy relationship or have a history of unhealthy relationships work on getting yourself healthier. The key place to start is with practicing healthy self-esteem.  If you believe you are worthy, capable, and deserving, than you will attract others who believe you are the same…and who treat you as though you are.

Below are several things you can do to get yourself healthier and stronger; choose three of these and begin working on you today so you will have a healthier and more fulfilling we tomorrow.

1. Walking with confidence:  walk with your back straight (no hunched shoulders!), head up, and eyes looking straight ahead, not to the floor.  When others pass by, look them in the eye, give them a nod, and keep on walking with your head held high.  Become conscious of how you walk and deliberately stand tall…even when you’re feeling small.
2. Remind yourself, daily, that you matter.  Come up with a daily mantra and say it twenty-five times a day for thirty days.  For example, “I am absolutely worthy and deserve to be treated well by all people, at all times.”  If you miss a day, start all over at day one again.
3. Notice the times you sink into a one-down position and the times you jump to a one-up position.  When you’re feeling less than and down on yourself, intervene by telling your self you’re okay and getting yourself back to center (holding yourself in warm regard despite your imperfections).  If you’re feeling better than others, tell yourself to get off your high horse and remember that you too can make mistakes.  Tell yourself that you’re no better than or less than anyone else in this world.
4. Stop the negative self talk.  Be diligent about not putting yourself down in any way.  If there’s something you need to work on, great, work on it but don’t beat yourself up about it.
5. Stop the disrespect…yours and others.  Commit to not be disrespectful to anyone, under any circumstances AND to not allow anyone to be disrespectful to you.  If you mess up then repair it by apologizing and not doing it again.  If someone else is being disrespectful use the three step response: first note it to the person (“Wow that was harsh”), next make a request (“Could you please soften your tone so I can hear you”) and finally, if the first two don’t work, set a limit (“When you can lower your tone, I’ll be happy to listen, until then I’m ending this conversation.”).
6. Protect yourself by using a boundary.  Just because someone tells you something, doesn’t make it so.  You need to filter every message that is sent your way by asking yourself if it’s true for YOU.  If it’s true for you, let it in and remind yourself that you’re human and this is just something you need to work on.  If it’s not true for you then keep it out and don’t take it in.  If you’re not sure, ask a close friend.
7. Learn to say no.  Saying yes constantly and over committing yourself is not healthy to you or helpful to others.  If you struggle with saying yes when you should be saying no, then put a pause button on your answers until you get a better handle on this.  A great rule to use with this is the 24-hour rule:  when someone asks you to do something respond by saying you have to check on your schedule and you’ll get back to them tomorrow.
8. Ask for what you want, not for what you think you’ll get.  Too often people ask for only what they think the other person will give them rather than what they really want.  This is selling yourself short.  Whether it’s a pay raise, a request for your partner to do something you know he/she doesn’t like, or for the correct order at a restaurant, it’s important that you have the right to ask for anything… and the other person has the right to say yes or no.  Don’t you decide for them by asking for less than you want.
9. Share what you want to share not what you believe your partner wants to hear.  If you have silenced yourself because you believe your partner doesn’t like to hear about your job, your friends, your family or whatever, then you’re not taking care of yourself.  If you choose to not talk to your partner because it’s more painful than not, that is a different issue.
10. Make a decision and stand behind it.  If you struggle with making decisions, then start small and start choosing. For example, begin with choosing what restaurant you and your partner will go to.  Whether the food is good or bad, be proud of yourself for choosing.  If you make a decision and later realize it was not a good one, be proud of yourself for making it and then learn from it. Mistakes are often our best teachers.

CHALLENGE:  Decide to work on getting healthy. Scan the list above and choose the three things that would be the most helpful for you and then work them.  Ask a friend to do the same and be a support to one another.