This post is a very difficult one for me to write because it’s contrary to the standard message around abuse. So…before you read this post, if you are in, or have ever been in, an abusive relationship (either verbally or physically), please use your boundaries while reading this.
Let me start by saying that I don’t believe anyone causes their partner to hit, swear at, threaten, shame, or hurt them in anyway…that choice is made solely by the perpetrator of the abuse. And yes, I do believe it’s a conscious choice that a partner makes to be abusive.
That said…although I don’t believe one partner causes another partner to be abusive; I do believe the partner who is being abused plays a huge role in the continuation of that abuse…
When individuals are being abused by a loved one and don’t stop it, they, by default, keep it going. In psychological terms, they enable their partner to be abusive. If someone doesn’t stop abuse, then they are allowing it to continue. Abuse cannot go on and on if there’s not a body to abuse.
I realize there are a million factors that lead to individuals staying in an abusive relationship. I’m aware that many people choose to stay due to financial reasons, children, love, fear, isolation etc. Although I realize all of these factors make it difficult to leave, I don’t believe any of these factors warrant staying. None of these justify you subjecting yourself, your children, or your spirit, to emotional or physical abuse. You deserve better.
You have a right and an obligation to your well-being to be treated well. If you have children, they also have that right. They deserve to have their parents insure this right is protected.
There are a myriad of services, professionals, information, and resources available to you if you are in this position. You deserve to use them. Your children deserve for you to use them.
The only way you will stop being abused is if you stop it. Your partner will not magically wake up one day and decide to not be abusive. Your partner will not change if you say the right things, or cook the right meals, or agree with his/her every word. Know that your partner would be abusive with anyone he/she is in relationship with–it’s not about you.
Make the decision to stop the abuse. Stop waiting for your partner to come to his/her senses. The abuse only stops when someone is determined to not be abused. It only stops–when someone stops it.
Making the decision to not be abused may be the hardest decision you ever make, however, remember it is a decision–it is a choice. You can ask for help, leave the relationship, go to a safe house, set limits, and insist on therapy. etc. You don’t have to accept abuse from anyone. You deserve more. Your children deserve more. Begin to act as though you do.
Challenge: If you’re in an abusive relationship, begin to take steps to protect yourself. If you’re relationship is violent and your physical safetly is at risk, call the domestic violence hotline for more information: 1800-323-HOPE. National Domestic Abuse Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE