I was out the other night and watched two parents repeatedly attempt to set limits for their children. The father would say, “Stop hitting your sister or you’re going to the car.” The mother would say, “If you don’t stop, we’re leaving!”
The parents continued for over thirty minutes to threaten, plead, and beg the children to change their behavior. At one point the father even tried bribery. He said he would give them each $5.00 if they could go the next fifteen minutes without hitting each other. This worked for about a minute, at which point the boy said he didn’t care about the five dollars; he then flicked his sister. The girl said she knew her father wasn’t going to give her the five dollars anyway, and she flicked her brother back. Again the parents threatened to make the children leave if they didn’t stop.
The children didn’t stop, and in fact, didn’t even slow down.
The children did not go to the car, and nor did the family leave.
What struck me about this family was the total lack of follow-through. Both children barely flinched when their parents told them to stop. In fact, at one point, the boy defiantly dared his father to “make” him stop. The father’s response was to roll his eyes in frustration. He knew he wasn’t going to do anything…and so did his children.
I wondered at first why the children didn’t even pause when their parents spoke to them. I had my answer though within minutes–they knew their parents’ words were empty. Heck, I knew, their parents’ words were empty, and I didn’t even know them. It took me three minutes to figure this out. It took the children a milli-second; they had been living this for years.
Now they don’t even think about what is said–they don’t even slow down.
I see this in couples all the time. One partner will complain, threaten, beg, plead, even bribe the other partner to stop a certain behavior–and the partner barely flinches. Upon closer inspection, I see a history of threats that were seldom followed through (i.e., with “I’m leaving this marriage!”). The partner knew the threats were empty and acted as such.
This is another example of Dr. Phil’s saying, “We teach people how to treat us.” These parents taught their children that their words were meaningless. The children knew their parents weren’t going to follow through and they adjusted their behaviors accordingly—which was not at all.
Couples do the same thing with the same results: a lot of frustration and little, if any, change.
Follow-through is the key difference between someone who’s full of hot air and someone who’s true to their word. Hot air is great if all you want is to blow off steam. If you want change, however, your words have to have meaning—they have to be followed up with actions.
Challenge: Stop yourself before you throw out a threat and ask yourself if you’re prepared to act on that threat or if you’re just hoping your partner (or child) will be scared enough to change what they’re doing. If you’re hoping for the latter: hold your breath, close your mouth, and don’t speak it. Instead think of what you will do and speak that.