My last post talked about the first three steps to bringing sex back into your relationship. Once you’ve talked to your partner about bringing sex back into your relationship (see Part I) and you’ve scheduled the date, you’re next step is to start planning the evening. Below are a few tips for getting your journey off to a good start keeping it going:
1. Plan a nice evening. Remember that foreplay starts hours before you’re actually going to be sexual. Plan a nice evening that you both will enjoy. Relax, hold hands, talk about how silly you both feel—don’t rush to the punch line. Enjoy a nice dinner, cuddle up with a great movie or just enjoy the conversation. Tip: do not discuss the relationship during this evening—just keep things light and enjoy your time together.
2. Share a bottle of wine or a drink (if addiction is not an issue). The road back to intimacy can be incredibly anxiety provoking so a glass of wine or a drink of alcohol can help take the edge off the evening. I literally mean 1-2 drinks only (one drink is equal to a 1-ounce shot of alcohol; 12 oz. beer; or a 2-3 finger glass of wine). Do not get drunk, highly buzzed or sloshed!!! Just enjoy a nice glass of wine with your partner. Obviously if addiction is an issue, do not drink.
3. Agree that you both can stop at any time…however I strongly encourage that you do not stop until you have had a passionate kiss. If you can talk through the awkwardness and joke about it that would be better than calling it off due to nerves. However, there is always a stop rule in effect for both parties. If it doesn’t work this time—do not end the evening until you both agree to choose another date to try again. If one doesn’t agree to this then your next step is seeking out professional help.
4. If the night is a success—schedule your next date night right then. Get in the habit of scheduling date night. If you hire a babysitter, do not let the babysitter leave until you have scheduled the next time you will need them. Time flies in our every day lives so be proactive; it will be one less thing to worry about later on.
Sexual intimacy is a wonderful way for couples to feel closer and it is a vital part of marriage. Don’t kid yourself into thinking it’s not—even if you have no desire. It’s not the only thing in marriage and nor is it the main thing; it is however, very important. Don’t underestimate its impact. You may be surprised how much closer you feel once you bring back the physical intimacy you both once shared.
CHALLENGE: The most important step to bringing sex back into the relationship is the decision to be sexual. Be clear with your partner that you do not want a sexless marriage. When both of you are on board with this, start following the steps above to bring the sex back. Good-luck!