I’ve come across so many instances of people being right lately, that I’ve been compelled to write about it. Unfortunately, this also happens to be a place where I can certainly go myself, so I know this one first hand.
Being right entails a gathering of evidence, an explanation of facts, and often an air of superiority. The person is on a mission to prove his/her point, and will try to bring in evidence, other people, and whatever else is necessary, to show the other person the “truth” or the way things “really” are.
My mentor, Terrence Real, has a saying he shares with couples who struggle with the urge to be right. He tells them, “You can be right or you can be married. Which is more important to you?”
Being right can often look innocent enough:
Ann: “Honey we didn’t go out Friday, it was Saturday.”
It can also seem very rational:
Ann: “When you carry the baby stuff separately, rather than in the diaper bag, you have a better chance of losing things.”
Scott: “I prefer to just bring the necessities rather than a big bag.”
(So far so good…until…)
Ann: “But that doesn’t make sense. It’s much easier to have everything in one place and secure. Everyone knows that, why don’t you?”
And it can be extreme:
Dan: “You don’t know what you’re doing. You don’t do the dishes like that. First, you wash them with dish soap, then you rinse them, and then you put them in the dish washer. I can’t believe you’re washing them that way!”
Being right, at its extreme, sends out energy to the other person that they’re stupid.
Although most people are smart enough to not call someone stupid directly, the other
person is well aware that’s what you’re thinking.
Allow your partner to not be “wrong” and look for a middle ground. Perhaps you’re both “right” and you just see things differently. By creating space for an alternative, you allow for the possibility of a win-win situation rather than a win-lose. This helps you, your partner, and the relationship. Remember, “You can be right or you can be married.” You can’t be both.
Challenge: If anyone has ever told you that you always have to be right or that you’re argumentative or need to get in the last word, then pay attention. You may struggle with this and trust me even if you are right 90% or the time, it’s annoying to live with.
When you notice yourself in that space, take a deep breath, close your mouth, and just relax. Know that you have a point, and give yourself the acknowledgement you are trying so hard to get from others.
this is soooo meeeee. thanks for the good advice 🙂
this weekend, my friend told me a restaurant tasted good. i told him i had bought stuff from that restaraunt for him and some friends before. he told me, “no you didn’t, i don’t remember, you probably bought it for some other friends”, i felt dissapointed and kind of offended cuz i did something nice and it was denied. later on i asked another friend who remembered i did buy it him, so i told him and he told me, so do you want me to give you a medal for that?
man..i think all i want is for him to know that “he is so special to me. once i found out about a nice restaraunt, i wanted to share with him right away and i really did even tho he can’t remember. i think that’s my point, not to be right, but to let him know he’s special and i want to share all the best things i know about with him. how do i bring this point out?
LISA’s REPLY: How about just telling him straight, just like you wrote it in your last sentence?
I know this is an old post, but I just found your blog and feel that the need to be right is a big issue in my marriage.
Based on what my husband has told me, my need to be right comes out when he suggests something and I disagree. This most often occurs with regard to our daughter’s care and some things I’m just not willing to concede. When she was just weeks old and wouldn’t sleep unless held, he advised, “Mike, at work, says we should just let her cry.” I responded, “She’s not ready for that. That’s not how I want to handle this.” To which he replied, “Why am I always wrong?? Every time I suggest something you have to disagree with me!” I’m not sure how to handle situations like this. I try to ask myself if something is important enough to risk making him feel insulted, but some things really are that important to me. I feel like I’m trying my hardest to “soften” the way I address issues with him, but he has a very defensive personality and many times I either don’t bother to bring things up at all or I stew for days before bringing them up. He says I question him constantly and have a need to “outsmart” him. These days if he asks me about something that I think may cause an argument I tell him I don’t know or don’t remember. I continually apologize for insulting him and tell him that it is never my intention to make him feel stupid.
I feel like his need to be right is more direct. The other day I brought up the fact that if we would like to buy a house in the near future, we’ll need to have 10 or 20 percent down. We live paycheck to paycheck and it’s hard to save money so I know this will be a challenge for us. He said, “So you’re saying it’s impossible and we should just give up?” Me: “No. I’m saying we’ll have to save 10 percent to buy a house.” Him: “So, you’re wrong, you ARE saying we should just forget it!” Me: “Why are you getting angry?” Him: “I’m not angry. You’re saying that buying a house will never happen and we should forget it.” Me: “Could you please not speak to me that way? I’m just stating the facts that I’ve seen.” Him: “But you’re wrong, that is what you were saying.” Me: “No, I’m saying it’s going to be a challenge and we’ll have to figure out a way to make it work!” I tell him, over and over and over, that when he speaks in a certain tone of voice it’s demeaning and hurts me. He has told me to call him on it, but when I do he insists he’s doing nothing wrong and that I’M the one doing it. Just once, I would love to be able to say, “Could you please not get defensive/speak in that tone? Could we just discuss this instead of argue?” and have him reply, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to get angry and speak to you that way” instead of “I’M NOT DOING ANYTHING!” I would love to never again hear him say, “I’m not apologizing for anything. I’m not wrong.” or “I’m sorry you got angry…”
Do you have any advice for our situation?? Sometimes I feel like I’m on a sinking ship with no chance of rescue. We are both children of divorce and I would love for our daughter to see our marriage as a healthy one.
To Katie:
I could have taken your argument and it sounds exactly what I’ve been through with my husband. We now sit down once a week and talk about our goals in life and what we need to do at the moment with our money to fulfill those goals. When we plan a time to sit and discuss it and don’t have these discussions at random, inconvenient times, it helps for it not to escalate. We do not discuss money or other touchy subjects at any other time so we have a chance to have fun together and most of the time have a nice, relaxing relationship.
Marriage is hard work. You are not alone, don’t give up.