I’ve come across so many instances of people being right lately, that I’ve been compelled to write about it. Unfortunately, this also happens to be a place where I can certainly go myself, so I know this one first hand.
Being right entails a gathering of evidence, an explanation of facts, and often an air of superiority. The person is on a mission to prove his/her point, and will try to bring in evidence, other people, and whatever else is necessary, to show the other person the “truth” or the way things “really” are.
My mentor, Terrence Real, has a saying he shares with couples who struggle with the urge to be right. He tells them, “You can be right or you can be married. Which is more important to you?”
Being right can often look innocent enough:
Ann: “Honey we didn’t go out Friday, it was Saturday.”
It can also seem very rational:
Ann: “When you carry the baby stuff separately, rather than in the diaper bag, you have a better chance of losing things.”
Scott: “I prefer to just bring the necessities rather than a big bag.”
(So far so good…until…)
Ann: “But that doesn’t make sense. It’s much easier to have everything in one place and secure. Everyone knows that, why don’t you?”
And it can be extreme:
Dan: “You don’t know what you’re doing. You don’t do the dishes like that. First, you wash them with dish soap, then you rinse them, and then you put them in the dish washer. I can’t believe you’re washing them that way!”
Being right, at its extreme, sends out energy to the other person that they’re stupid.
Although most people are smart enough to not call someone stupid directly, the other
person is well aware that’s what you’re thinking.
Allow your partner to not be “wrong” and look for a middle ground. Perhaps you’re both “right” and you just see things differently. By creating space for an alternative, you allow for the possibility of a win-win situation rather than a win-lose. This helps you, your partner, and the relationship. Remember, “You can be right or you can be married.” You can’t be both.
Challenge: If anyone has ever told you that you always have to be right or that you’re argumentative or need to get in the last word, then pay attention. You may struggle with this and trust me even if you are right 90% or the time, it’s annoying to live with.
When you notice yourself in that space, take a deep breath, close your mouth, and just relax. Know that you have a point, and give yourself the acknowledgement you are trying so hard to get from others.