When I was in high school, my mother would constantly warn me about the consequences of holding a grudge. I was the queen of grudge-holders. If a person betrayed me, I wrote them off. If they lied, I never trusted them again. If someone hurt me, I made sure they never had another opportunity to hurt me a second time. I had little patience for disloyalty or lack of integrity.
As I grew up, however, I realized that many of the behaviors I labeled “lies, betrayals or lack of integrity” were really just kids being human. As I grew I had to learn how to distinguish between someone being human versus someone being hurtful…and therefore a person I might not want to be around.
When someone’s behavior truly was hurtful and seemingly unforgivable, I had to learn how to forgive, not for the sake of the other person, but for my own sake. Holding grudges, takes up a lot of energy. It brings on endless amounts of intense feelings and feels as though I have a wall around my heart.
Forgiveness is a release of negative energy in my soul. When I forgive someone’s behavior, I free myself up to move on. Forgiveness, does not mean what they did is okay. Nor does it mean I forget about the behavior and pretend nothing happened. In fact, it may not even mean that we remain friends.
Forgiveness means that I consciously acknowledge their behavior (to myself), feel the pain caused by it, hold them accountable for their choice and the subsequent negative consequences and then… let it go.
Letting it go means:
• I no longer punish them for it.
• I don’t try to hurt them as they hurt me.
• I don’t bad-mouth them to others because of their hurtful behavior.
• I accept what they did, forgive them for their choice and decide to not allow my pain, anger or upset to burn me up inside.
• Once I let go, I decide what role – if any — I want this person to play in my life. If I decide I no longer want them in my life, I do that from a centered place—not from a place of revenge or with a cold heart.
People often believe that forgiving a person who wronged them is done to help that person. This could not be further from the truth. Forgiveness is for the person who has been wronged. Your pain, anger and rage are not serving you. These emotions are taking away precious time from your life. Forgiveness is about freeing you from unneeded emotional baggage that will eat away at you.
Regardless of whether your boss fired you, your spouse cheated on you or your parents were abusive to you, YOU deserve to forgive them. They did what they did because they are who they are. I don’t care if their actions were a mistake, a lapse in judgment or a purposeful, mean-spirited act — your grudge hurts you, not them.
Their hurtful action has already taken up enough time and energy in your life — don’t give it more.
Challenge: Is there a grudge you are holding onto about someone or something? If so, take some time to figure out how this grudge is hurting or helping you. What would it be like to totally give it up? Make a decision to no longer feed this grudge by endlessly talking about it or punishing the person who did it. Notice what happens as a result.