When I’m working with clients on relationship issues our work almost always begins with strengthening the self. It’s pivotal that the person has a healthy core in order to sustain a healthy relationship. Not surprisingly, as the person begins to become healthier s/he becomes more aware of what’s unhealthy. This can definitely shake up relationships and friendships.
I often hear from people who’ve made a lot of personal changes that they don’t enjoy being around their friends as much as they did before. They begin to see their friends as unhealthy and they don’t want to be around that energy anymore; at the same time, they don’t want to lose all their friends. What’s going on?
First off, let me just say this is normal. As people get healthier, they have a much lower tolerance for unhealthy. As you get better boundaries, you notice the poor boundaries of others…and you want nothing to do with it. What used to be fun gossip, now doesn’t sit right in the pit of your stomach. Telling your girlfriend her husband’s a jerk for what he did to her no longer seems like the most helpful response to make. Talking about superficial things just isn’t nourishing you anymore–especially when your life has been falling apart and you’ve had to do some work to get to center.
The old ways and the old relationships just aren’t cutting it. All the ways you use to connect with old friends no longer feel good. Many of them just seem off. You want to tell them about what’s happening with your marriage but you know they’ll just tell you that your wife’s a bitch or your husband’s a loser, so you don’t say anything. Perhaps you should just find new friends…
Hold that thought, and do not give up on your old friends just yet.
If you want new friends, do your best to turn your old friends into new ones. If you want to change old friendships, then you have to be new in them.
Change how you interact and see how they respond. Teach them to be different by being clear about what you want from them. If you use to only talk about surface things before, begin to share deeper issues. If you’re struggling in your marriage and you don’t want them to just tell you your partner’s a _____, then let them know how you do want them to support you.
Don’t assume you have outgrown your friends until you’ve brought the new you into the friendship. Remember to give your friends the opportunity to adjust to your new changes and perhaps grow with you–you may be pleasantly surprised by how they rise to the occasion.
If you’re different in the relationship yet they continue to respond in old ways, then perhaps you have outgrown them. If they don’t meet you, find peace in the fact that at least you tried and now you know…AND be careful not to make that decision too quickly.
CHALLENGE: If you’ve been working on personal growth and have noticed you don’t like being around your friends as much as you did before, begin to bring the new you into the friendship. Begin to share on a deeper level, make direct requests rather than getting annoyed at how they do or do not act, and share with them your work. Invite them to join the process with you and see what happens. PS: Congratulations on your own work!!!