“Communication mastery can only happen when you focus on the process, not the content.” ~LMB
Often, when I stress to clients the importance of being calm, grounded, and respectful when speaking to one another, their knee-jerk response is some version of, “Omg, no one talks like that.”
And this is how the conversation goes from there:
Lisa: You’re right—and—that is a massive part of the problem. You have to “speak it clean” even in times of upset.”
Clients: (Some form of eye-roll lol) “That sounds so fake, can’t we just talk “real”?
Lisa: “Of course, you can—if you want to stay where you are right now, create an even more unhappy marriage, or get a costly divorce.”
If you want to improve your relationships, you cannot get different results by doing the same behaviors—no matter who you are, how much money you pay, or who you hire to “fix” the problem.
When it comes to struggling relationships, most problems arise because of how you work through issues rather than the content of that issue. A pivotal piece to working through issues is how you talk about them; it’s how you speak and the energy in which you tell it, far more than what you say. All of the patterns below sabotage progress, connection, and relationship growth:
- Ignoring issues.
- Blowing up when conversations get difficult.
- Shutting down when you get feedback you don’t like.
- Verbally attacking the other person with your words, intensity, or blame.
- Confusing “talking real” with giving yourself permission to snap, shame, blame, mock, yell, name-call, verbally throw up, etc.
Far too many people believe that “talking real” means you get to say whatever you want and however you want to want to say it, and the other person needs to suck it up and listen. This approach may leave people “sucking it up”; however, very few are genuinely listening. You don’t have the right to say whatever you want to people however you want to, without consequences to your choices.
- Ignoring issues leads to resentment and growing issues.
- Blowing up shuts people down, creating distance, fear, mistrust, and a lack of safety.
- Shutting down to feedback stops feedback. Over time, others give up and pull away.
- Verbal attacks create emotionally unsafe environments, toxic relationships, and tremendous unspoken resentment and anger by those on the receiving end of that emotional abuse.
“Talking real” could be a powerful connector or a toxic divider. When you have honest, “real” conversations that are respectful and grounded, they will connect. They will destroy when you mindlessly react and spew out your “real” thoughts and feelings. You get to choose. When you decide how you communicate, you also choose the consequences of that choice.
Challenge: When you think, “No one talks like that,” when you are encouraged to speak calmly and respectfully, realize that the chances are very high that you need to start “talking like that.” Focus on “speaking it clean” with everyone and notice what happens.
